TODAY'S JOKES 2-26-03
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REMINDERS:

St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 19 days

Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 23 days
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JOKES:
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The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl:
Free dinners.
You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him.
If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him If you don't shave, no one will know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You can dress yourself.
And...
Your hair is yours to keep.
If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.
You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
You’re rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.
When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
You’ll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
You don't have hair on your back.
If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
If you have big ears, no one has to know.
You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.
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A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi.
Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"
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Problems
Mental Anxiety
Mental Breakdown
Menstrual Cramps
Menopause
Did you ever notice that all of our problems begin with men???
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Dear Diary,

Mother never calls anyone. She waits by the phone with her log book and when we call she looks up how long it's been since our last call then complains that we don't call often enough. So when my wife told me my mother was on the phone I knew I was in trouble.
"Hi, Mom. Is everything OK? Is Dad OK?"
"I'm fine and don't get me started on that devil," she said with a bite in her voice.
"Your sister just told me you have an email list that you communicate with on a daily basis?"
It was one of those statement questions.
You know the kind where she knows the answer and raises her eyebrow waiting for you to lie to her. Suddenly I was ten-years old trapped in a corner by my slipper-wielding mother.
"Yes," I said. I learned a long time ago that when being berated by a parent keep the answers honest and short. By the way, that is diametrically opposite of what to do when arguing with a spouse.
"This list has over one hundred and twenty thousand people on it?" The way she said it sounded dirty.
"Yes," I said wondering where we were headed.
"That's an awesome responsibility communicating with all those people."
She said in a softer, almost condescending tone.
Bingo.
"Mom, it's a joke list..." I tried to explain.
"Please, do not interrupt me. Is that why we slaved to put you through college..."
Huh? They didn't put me through college.
I put myself through college. I never even asked for money.
Something is wrong...
She thinks she's talking to my brother!
"...so that you could publish filth and mock your wonderful wife as an attempt at humor? Why don't you address serious issues like the war-torn state of the planet, hunger, disease, or the battle for our souls being waged in this country?
The battle of the multinational corporations that are trying to make us compete with our neighbors instead of loving and helping them. Their weapons are the media and advertising.
They barrage our youth with the message that happiness is consumerism and that religion and decency is for the aged."
she fumed. "We expect more out of you!"
"Mom... Mom... Mom!" I interrupted.
"Take it easy. Calm down. This is your other son, TZ."
"Huh? What? TZ?" she stammered as she tried to catch her breath.
"Yeah, TZ," I soothed.
"Oh, honey, I... I... I'm sorry. My goodness.
Um, congratulations on your list, hello to that wife of yours and kiss the kids for me. Goodbye, dear."
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Two Swedish guys get off a ship and head for the nearest bar.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys and once again quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys apiece.
One of them picks up one of his drinks, and, turning to the other man, says, "Cheers!"
The other man says to the first man and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?"
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Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
"No," says the other man, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
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A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.
So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."
Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"
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10 Signs You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"
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"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."
- Daniel Boone ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one.
A year passed and only 3 people showed up:
a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out popped a little fly.
Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.
The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out popped a fly.
His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whooooossshhh whooooossshh whooooossshhh.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks:
"After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."
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An Organization Is Like a Tree Full of Monkeys An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
They are all on different limbs at different levels.
Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of assholes.
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A man needed to call home, but the only pay phone he could find was in use. So, he stood to the side and waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes.
Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.
Ten minutes later, he was still not talking.
Finally, the man tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked if he could use the phone. "I really would be long, but I really need to make an important call."
"Hold your horses," responded the man using the pay phone, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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