REMINDERS:

St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 21

Spring Equinox - Sun, March 20 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the all-female platoon stood in front of the barracks.

"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would that be?"

Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row..... "My recruiter!!"
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Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"
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Conscience: the sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught.
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One attorney to another; "I believe a man is innocent until he runs out of money."
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Try not to let your mind wander... It's too small to be out by itself.
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SIGNS YOU NEED COOKING LESSONS

You consider it a culinary success if the Pop Tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes over to the neighbors at dinner time.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone in hand with
911 on speed dial.

The E.P.A. insists all of your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your guests can't tell which is which.

Your family prays after they eat.
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A website dedicated to collecting and sharing humorous English mistakes released the Top 10 Romantic Mistakes from students learning English. "Any of us learning a new language is going to make a lot of mistakes, and a few are going to be funny enough to pass around," said Bryant Oden, creator of InnocentEnglish.com, in a news release. "In honor of Valentine's Day, we pass around this very romantic top 10 list."

Top 10 Most Romantic Lines From New English Language Students
10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.

9. He had such a worm heart.

8. We were two sheep passing in the night.

7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet.

6. My dentist makes me blush twice a day.

5. I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting.

4. I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!

3. The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.

2. He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss.

1. I think she is really glad she got marinated.

Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.

Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.

Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.

Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.

Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?

Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation.

Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!

Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.

Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it!

Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.
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New Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is on a tour of all our European allies.

That should take about 15 minutes.
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When I was young my mind was on food, booze, and girls. Now I never think of food.
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A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York.
She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."
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Things you will never hear a Southerner say:


I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

Do you think my hair is too big?

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

The tires on that truck are too big.

I've got it all on a floppy disk.

Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

Damned if that politician ain't honest!

We're vegetarians.

I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

You can't feed that to the dog.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I just love the Opera.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

Wrasslin's fake.
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When someone says "That's a good question,"
the question is sure to be better than the answer you're going to get.
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George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?"

"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."

"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"
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A very pregnant blonde and her husband were sitting in a Chinese restaurant when she opened both her, and her boyfriends fortune cookies.

To her surprise, they both read exactly the same: "Celebrate your inner child."

Turning to her husband she exclaimed. "Honey, I think we're going to have twins!"
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As a hobby my cousin makes picnic tables. He and I were on our way to deliver one to a friend and had secured the table to the top of our small car. While we were stopped at a red light, a colleague of my cousin pulled up beside us in his truck. "Going on a picnic?" he asked.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

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