REMINDERS:

NCAA March Madness Begins Tue, Mar 12 - 19 days

St. Patrick's Day - Fri, Mar 17 - 22 days

Spring Equinox - Mon, Mar 20 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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There are two ways of being rich. One is to have all you want and the other is to be satisfied with what you have.
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That’s the big story over the weekend. On a quail hunting trip in Texas, Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78 year old lawyer. In fact when people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%!
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A person is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
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Children go through remarkable phases. First they call you dada, then they call you daddy, then they call you dad, then they call you collect.
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The reason "Dieting Makes You Fat!" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth.
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A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...


A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.. One friend who Always makes her Laugh...And one who lets her cry... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by Anyone else in her family... Eight matching plates, Wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love without losing herself...How to quit a job break up with a loand AND confront a friend without ruining the friendship...When to try harder... and when to walk away... That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents... That her childhood May not have been Perfect..but, it's over...What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it...Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...Where to go...whether it be to her best friend's kitchen table..or a charming Inn in the woods... When her soul needs soothing...What she can and can't accomplish In a day...A month..and a year...
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Pounds of Love

One evening after dinner, I asked my
6-year-old, "How much do you love me?" He replied, "A million dollars."

"Is that all?" I responded, with a grin. Derek thought for a moment. "I love you all the dollars."

So I asked, "What about the guilders?" and I explained they were Dutch dollars. He smiled and said, "I love you all the guilders, too."

"What about the yen?" I said. After Derek heard yen were Japanese dollars, he said he loved me all the yen, also. We made our way through various currencies until I mentioned the English pound. "Do you love me all the pounds?" I asked.

Derek patted my stomach and said, "I think you've already got all the pounds."
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There was a young college girl that was about to finish her senior year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was always at odds with her conservative Republican father.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to a large benevolent government, and tax equalization, etc. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing.

She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

She fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and Mary has done nothing!"

After a moment of silence, she replied, "Dad, quit trying to change the subject."
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Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field?
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There's a new contraceptive patch for women.
It's three inches in diameter and reads, "Get off me"
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Sign in a bakery window; "Because of inflation the name of pumpernickel bread has been changed to pumperdime."
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In a game of Bible trivia, I asked our eight-year-old daughter, "What is another name for the Lord's Supper?"

Thinking hard, she finally came up with, "Pot luck!"
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New Living Will Form (sort of ...)


I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini ______

a Vodka and Tonic ______

a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a Bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate ______

Sex it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: _____________________

Date:__________________

I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. (Sounds like my kind of Nursing Home)
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The vice-presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.
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"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?"
asked Becky.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
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I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?" - Martha Raye "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
--Lewis Grizzard "Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great scent. It's called New Car Interior." -Rita Rudner Elton John has filed for divorce. He found out his husband was having sex behind his back.
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Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives Finally, you have someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.

You develop a liking for mini vans, sensible shoes, and a deep- seated contempt for Michael Jackson.

You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you are just FAT.

Goodbye, Happy Hour---Hello, Happy Meal!!

Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox,"
but the cat is seriouslytorqued about it.

For efficiency, your paycheck is now direct-deposited to Disney.

You come to the realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck.... and the Computer
 

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