REMINDERS:

St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 22

Spring Equinox - Sun, March 20 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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The third grade was being given a course in first aid. The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger sibling who swallowed a house key?" After a pause, one of the students answered, "I'd climb through the window!"
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A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
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You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"

Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
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A young lady who had returned from a tour through Italy with her father informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities, but most of all he loved Venice.

"Ah, Venice, to be sure!" said the friend. "I can readily understand that your father would like Venice with its gondolas, and St. Markses and Michelangelos."

"Oh, no,' the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that.

He liked it because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
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"There's only one thing that bugs me about this revolution bit." sighed one radical to another.
"What happens to our unemployment checks when we overthrow the government?"
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After my father moved out of the city to the country, a local farmer took him under his wing and taught him the basics of his new rural life.
One day, as the winter wheat ripened, Dad went out to the field to check on his first crop. He took a pair of scissors with him so he could remove the wheat from the stalk to examine it more closely. A neighbor arrived just then and, seeing the scissors, quipped, "Harvesting already, I see."
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The most frequently heard complaint from northern drivers in the South is "Southern drivers don't use their turn signals"...If we live in a small Southern town, we presume that everyone knows where we are going, and turn signals are unnecessary.
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A blonde asked the airport attendant, " How do I know which plane to get on?"

"Well, " She replied, "What flight number is yours?"

"837" she answered, " I have looked but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
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The Gerber Company is in big trouble. They had to recall 10 million pacifiers.

It seems a Consumer Reports study came out saying they sucked.
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A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

"My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
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At the supermarket checkout, I hoisted two jugs of distilled water onto the counter. One of them burst, spewing its contents over the entire area, including the cashier and me. I was dismayed, and the clerk was obviously upset. Grabbing the loudspeaker she immediately requested a mop.
Minutes passed, and nothing happened. Frantic, she screamed into the speaker: "We need a mop and a bucket at checkout No. 4 immediately! A lady's water has broken!!"
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In 1976, a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine the magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd, leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more battered Bob Finnegan.

When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries.
Hospital officials said he would recover.

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Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

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Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
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The repair technician said, "Just give us a few days. When we have the part, our computer will call to let you know." The customer said, "I'm not home during the day, but I do have an answering machine." The technician said, "Sorry sir. Our computer won't talk to machines."
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Two days after my husband, Dennis, put 30 tiny chicks in a makeshift shed, the outdoor temperature dropped. Afraid the birds would freeze, Dennis stripped a spare bedroom in the house and, over my fierce protests, moved them into a pen in the room.

The chicks grew quickly and took on a distinctly unpleasant odour. One day I phoned an understanding friend and began to pour out my troubles. "Hi, it's me again. We won't be coming over tonight. I really wanted to visit, but I told Dennis I'm sick and tired of the smell and the noise, and he has to get those chicks out of the bedroom today!"

As I paused for breath, I heard, "Who is this?"
from the shocked recipient of my misdialed call.
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A professor at the Michigan State University was known for giving boring, cliche-ridden lectures.

At the beginning of one semester, an innovative class breathed new life into the course by assigning baseball plays to each hackneyed phrase.

For example, when the professor said, "On the other hand," that counted as a base hit. "By the same token" was a strike out; "and so on"
counted as a stolen base. Divided into two teams by the center aisle of the lecture hall, the students played inning after inning of silent but vigorous baseball.

On the last day of class, the impossible happened: the score was tied and bases were loaded. Then the batter hit a home run! The winning team stood and cheered wildly.

Though deeply appreciative, the professor later was quoted as wondering why only half of the students had been enthusiastic about his lectures.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......... and the Computer 

 

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