TODAY'S JOKES 2-22-06
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REMINDERS:
Washington's Birthday - Wed, Feb 22 0 days
NCAA March Madness Begins Tue, Mar 12 - 20 days
St. Patrick's Day - Fri, Mar 17 - 23 days
Spring Equinox - Mon, Mar 20 - 26 days
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JOKES:
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Money won't buy you happiness but it does let you choose your own form of
misery.
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Dick Cheney is an avid hunter. Each and every year he goes to South Dakota to
hunt pheasant, Arkansas to hunt ducks, and Texas to hunt Lawyers.
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
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The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men:
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least
expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her face -- and say,
"I love you, [her name here]." If you forget her name, don't bother with the
rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation.
Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have
cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... "
Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard
chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms is OK, women tend
to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for starters.
STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you did not bother with steps
1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously expensive ring,
necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not consider
aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it have to be the right size and
caliber, it must also match any of the 8 billion feelings she currently has
about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than .002 kids.
Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is beating on
the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on the size of your family,
the romantic getaway may have to cross at least three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something. Anything
is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I can show you last year's knot
on the back of my head.
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A couple, both blondes, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about
getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this. The
husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10
children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican
baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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A three-year-old in our congregation watches football games with his father and
knows some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday as the pastor
raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by
shouting, "Touchdown!"
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A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as
you walk the tightrope of life. ~ William A. Ward
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"It was on this day in 1690 the first paper money in America was issued, which
of course then led to the creation of the Republican Party.
It was also on this day in 1913 that Congress was granted the right to levy
taxes on your income, which, of course, led to the creation of the Democratic
Party." - Jay Leno
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A college boy to his mother: "I decided that I want to be a political science
major, and I want to clean up the mess in the world!" "That's very nice," purred
his mother. "You can go upstairs and start with your room."
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"The Winter Olympics began tonight. It's being televised in more than 200
countries. This means that people in 200 different countries will be saying,
'What else is on?'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Grammy's were tonight. With all the stars and talent they were still able
to pull off a dull show." --Dave Letterman
"American Idol actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people
would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a
good job of lip syncing."
--Jay Leno
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Valentines Day in Years Past
Jack Benny [Benjamin Kubelski] was born on Feb 14, 1894 in Waukegan IL.
Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters leader who disappeared, in 1975 was born on Feb.14,
1913.
Arizona became the 48th state on Feb 14,
1912.
Thomas Watson founded IBM CORPORATION on Feb 14, 1924.
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Thinking outside the box
The task is not to see what no one else has seen before, but to think thoughts,
no one has thought before, about things everyone sees.
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There's a nickel's worth of difference between Democrats and Republicans. If you
put a nickel on the table, a Democrat will steal it from you and a Republican
will kill you for it.
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Son: Dad, what is a weapon?
Father: Why, son, that's something you fight with.
Son: Is mother your weapon?
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What men don't get...Valentine's day is a test.
Women have been studying for years. We even have study groups.
Hint! HinT Men should study. . .
1. Listen when the significant other mentions that her friends got flowers at
work...did she look wishful?
2. She is watching TV...a jewelry ad comes on...did she look wishful--did she
say she liked whatever they were selling?
3. When the catalogs came in, did she happen to mention something she liked? Did
you actually show interest to see what it was?
4. Does she like chocolate and gushy cards?
Does she get teary- eyed at Hallmark commercials?
The majority of women will give you the answers to the test if you study. Hint:
Pay attention! But guys, don't worry if you fail; you have all year to take the
make-up test!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
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