REMINDERS:
Washington's Birthday - Tue, Feb 20 - 0 days
St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 23
Spring Equinox - Sun, March 20 - 26 days
**********************
JOKES:
.......
Often when my children were little, one of them would want something that cost
too much, and I'd have to say, "Do you see a money tree outside? Money doesn't
grow on trees, you know."
Years later, on a warm, spring Mother's Day morning, I happened to look out my
window and saw a new tree planted right in my yard.
I put my glasses on and couldn't believe what I saw. There were dollar bills
taped all over the new tree - a hundred of them, in fact.
I live up in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, where winters are long and cold and
summers are way too short. But every winter now, I look out my window and think
about what my children did for me, and I get tears in my eyes - every time. I'm
still not sure that money grows on trees. But I know love does.
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A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he
began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you
we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When our high school first switched over to its computerized catalogue system,
it was fraught with bugs. The terminal in the music and audio section constantly
sported a sign that read terminal down. I noticed one day that someone had, by
adding just two letters, revised the sign to more accurately reflect the
situation. It now read terminally down.
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Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't
believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near
Naples, Italy, in
1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree
blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of
low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level
bridge -- killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of
dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by
punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head,
and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death
when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for
minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall
then collapsed on him, killing him.
Depressed since he could not find a job,
42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in
his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do
it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.
It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her
daughter dropped dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in
front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could
collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back
door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the
city prison.
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you don't
believe it, consider these weird deaths:
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near
Naples, Italy, in
1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree
blew over and killed him.
Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of
low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level
bridge -- killing him.
Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of
dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by
punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head,
and he died of a fractured skull.
George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death
when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for
minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall
then collapsed on him, killing him.
Depressed since he could not find a job,
42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in
his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do
it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor.
It went off and killed his wife.
In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin,
presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her
daughter dropped dead of fright.
A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in
front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could
collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back
door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the
city prison.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I went enthusiastically to the three-hour seminar on memory improvement. After
an hour I slipped out. I had taken the same course, given by the same teacher,
the previous year.
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There's a new book out called, ARE YOU NORMAL?
According to the book, 76% of guys would rather watch an important football game
than have sex.
The other 24% said that's what half time is for.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
People who cough incessantly never seen to go to the doctor, they go to
banquets, concerts, and church.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I asked my daughter, Alice, a science student at the University of Pennsylvania,
to find out how I could get rid of the beetles that had invaded our basement.
Hoping to speed things along, I gave her a specimen. A few days passed before I
asked her if she had any solution. She told me the professor wanted to see a
live bug.
Days later they had identified the beetle, and Alice told me its Latin name.
"But how do I eradicate the bugs?" I asked.
"Step on them!" she said.
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A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by
a mother who sees that the others get it.
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I still can't figure out how every morning for a couple of weeks in late spring
some June bugs manage to get into my house. One morning I was awakened by my
five-year-old daughter saying: "Mom! There are three June bugs in the kitchen.
Two of them are dead and the other one is having a nightmare!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Texas Facts:
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts.
Beaumont, TX to El Paso, TX: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago, IL: 770 miles
El Paso, TX is closer to California (557 mi.) than to Dallas, TX (633 mi.)
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over
water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full
time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining
flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in
which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and
around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation.
(This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr
Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities: 1. Washington-on-the-Brazos 2. Harrisburg 3.
Galveston 4. Velasco 5. West Columbia 6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the
Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas
is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the
armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into
four and they either have four males or four females. Well...I thought it was
interesting anyway!)
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Texas Facts:
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts.
Beaumont, TX to El Paso, TX: 742 miles Beaumont to Chicago, IL: 770 miles El
Paso, TX is closer to California (557 mi.)
than to Dallas, TX (633 mi.)
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4,
1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over
water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full
time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining
flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in
1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in
which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July
20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island.
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US.
rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation.
(This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885.
There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities: 1.
Washington-on-the-Brazos 2. Harrisburg 3.
Galveston 4. Velasco 5. West Columbia 6.
Austin The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller
than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas
is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. (An interesting bit of trivia about the
armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into
four and they either have four males or four females. Well...I thought it was
interesting anyway!)
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
One Monday morning in late February, my son was gloomily sitting at the kitchen
table.
He was contemplating another week of classes and many assignments. Noting his
long face, I wanted to encourage him. "Don't be sad, Bill," I said. "Remember
Easter break is coming! The goose is getting fat..."
"Oh, Mom," he interrupted, "do we have to talk about your weight now?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately." (Reggie
Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player)
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It's hard being human. Look at the prototypes-Adam & Eve. That's a lot of
pressure being the first people. You make one mistake, *everybody* hears about
it.
You're constantly answering embarrassing questions about how you messed up;
"Okay for the five millionith time, I was sitting around, minding my own
business, and she goes... 'Want a bite?'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Minister: Do you know what's in the bible?
Little Girl: Yes, I think I know everything that's in it.
Minister: That's a pretty big claim for someone your size. Okay, go ahead and
tell me.
Little Girl: Well... let's see... there's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls, and a Pizza Hut coupon.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Fox Sports said Tuesday the Super Bowl will use four cameras embedded in the
field. It's a view from the ground up.
Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction last year will seem like the good old days
if a cheerleader forgets to wear her underwear.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One morning Stuart & Lou went fishing.
Before long Lou had caught twenty fish while Stuart caught nothing.
The next day they went back, and again, Lou snagged more fish than he could
handle while Stuart was left empty-handed. Not one fish. Nada. Zip.
On the third day Stuart decided to fish by himself. He got up real early, and
without waking Lou, snuck out down to the river alone.
Dropping his line into the water, immediately he felt a tug!
"Alright!" he murmurs under his breath to himself.
When he yanks the line up, there's a note attached to it that reads. . . "Hey,
where's Lou?"
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Translated Car Ads
Two tone paint work - Original color and rust.
One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything.
10,000 trouble-free miles - Crashed in the last 20 feet.
Heated rear window - So you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in
winter.
Lady owner - The glove box is full of half-used cosmetics.
Clean interior - All the rubbish is under the floor mats.
Anti-theft device - I can let you have a Rottweiler cheap.
Low mileage - The odometer is on its third time around.
Economical - Doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph.
**********************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .... and the Computer
|
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