REMINDERS:

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 0 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue, Feb 20 - 1 days

St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 24

Spring Equinox - Sun, March 20 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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At a school district workshop on discipline, the keynote speaker was trying to drive home a point about rule breaking. "Let's face it," he challenged, "who in here can honestly say he's never broken a speed limit?"

A hand shot up, and the audience broke out in laughter. So did the speaker when he noticed the teacher's seeing-eye dog resting on the floor beside him.
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A man stubbed his toe so badly he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove his clothes and wait in the next room.

"I just hurt my toe," complained the man. "Why do I need to take off my clothes?"

"Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress," explained the nurse politely. "It's our policy."

"Well, I think it's a stupid policy! Making me undress just to look at my toe! Geeez!"

From the next room another man's voice piped up. . . "That's nothing! I just came here to fix the telephone!"
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A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault.

"I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the head from behind. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"

After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent a rookie cop to investigate. A half hour later the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.

"Well, that was fast work," remarked the police chief.

"How did you do it?"

"It was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head... "I stepped on the rake, too."
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RABBI: Do you mind when your parishioners look at their watches during your sermons?

MINISTER: Only when they put them up to their ears to make sure they're working.
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A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
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I was talking to an acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment.

"You know, it's really sad," she said, "when so many people are out of work, and here I am, living off the fat of the land."

"How do you manage that?" I asked.

She lowered her voice, leaned in and whispered, "I'm an aerobics instructor."
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As part of a social-studies project, I had the municipal engineer come to my class to talk about our town's water system. He gave a brief outline of what's involved in supplying us with clean, pure water. Then, to see if the children understood the process, he asked them to write a sentence about the town's water supply. One student asked him, "Do you spell waterworks as one word or with a hydrant?"
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After a long winter fraught with colds and the flu, we teachers approached March break with trepidation, praying that we'd remain healthy enough to enjoy it. One colleague was seen sitting on an uncomfortably high stool with her students seated on the floor at her feet. Asked why she was seated in that manner, she replied in a weary voice, "I'm sitting above the cough line."
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Due to a slight mix-up with pills on the kitchen counter, my boyfriend will be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.
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There was a terrible accident at a building site, and a construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder. "Hang in there, lady," he said, "the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?"

"How should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."
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Funny Statistics

1. Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film : 4

2. Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White : 3506

3. Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8 Age most people stop believing in politicians : 7

4. Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104 In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98

5. Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed by the 3 major networks :
thirtysomething

6. Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written off as pennant contendors : 5

7. Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski slope : 17 On Tammy Bakker : 1/4

8. Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr. If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $4.25/hr.

9. Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney :
2,000,000 Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000

10. Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city" : 23

11. Number of pe.ople who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840

12. Number of pe.ople in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2 Restrictions for that fare : 237

13. Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11% Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9% Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6%

14. Number of people who work for the government : about half

15. Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate :
2,478,644 Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy : 2,478,644
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"A group of people here in California are fighting for the right for women to be able to sunbathe topless in California. The name of this group...
guys." --Jay Leno
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I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked. "One?!"

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."
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With our children grown and gone, my friend Dan and I, both close to retirement, are enjoying our new freedom. But after a full day of fishing without even a bite, we retreated slowly to our campsite, fishing nets, lines and tackle boxes in tow. As we trudged along in defeat, Dan muttered, "I’ve got the empty net syndrome."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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