TODAY'S JOKES 2-21-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 24 days
Spring Equinox Fri, Mar 21 - 28 days
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JOKES:
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Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy.
We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."
-George Carlin
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Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station. "What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba. "We'll just lie and tell them we only found two."
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Church Bloopers
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs.
Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.
is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
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What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
Out-laws are wanted.
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THOUGHTS ABOUT LIFE . . .
Why are things typed up but written down?
We had Cured Ham for Christmas dinner.
We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
Why do people say they "worked like a dog"? Our dog just sat around all day.
How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out that wheels on luggage would be a good idea?
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat.
I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend, but my doctor told me I needed more exercise ... so now I watch tennis.
Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on"
TV?
How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?
Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?
I'm going to try the Atkins diet in 2003, because my end no longer justifies the jeans.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
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Every once in a while you hear about a real dry spell in Texas. I always thought the stories exaggerated until I got a birthday card last week. The stamp was attached with a staple.
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Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle.
Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"
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The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro Disney.
Reason: after last evenings fireworks display the soldiers at a nearby French army garrison surrendered.
Not having the French with us against Iraq is like not having an accordion with you while hunting; it's irrelevant, it's aggravating and it serves no useful purpose.
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While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old Texas rancher (whose hand got caught in a gate while working cattle), a doctor asked the old man what he thought about George W. Bush being in the White House. The old Texan said, 'Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle.'' Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old man said, 'When you're riding the range and checking fences, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top of it, that's a post turtle.' The doctor still had a puzzled look on his face, so the old man continued to explain, 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, you know he doesn't belong there, he sure as heck can't get anything done while he's up there,...
and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.
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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
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My wife always prided herself on her figure, but after giving birth to our second child, she began to worry about her weight.
One day she confessed she was concerned that I would want someone thinner. Doing my husbandly duty, I began to comfort her. "Honey," I said, "I love you for who you are. To be honest, I didn't even notice you'd gained weight."
She smiled, and I should have quit right there, because what I said next was, "In fact, you are the sexiest woman I ever laid LIES on."
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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