TODAY'S JOKES 2-19-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.
He in his birthday suit. Looking he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario.
She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this..a black condom?"
He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
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A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.
Something unusual was about to happen.
He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.
Threes - that was it! He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.
The horse ran third.
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Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darndest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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SEC.STATE Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi newspaper reporter and accusingly asked, "Isn't it true that only
13 percent of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"
Secretary Powell stopped, turned, and stated "Yes, it's true. But, unfortunately for you, all 13 percent are United States Marines."
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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
Hey, if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class!
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Why was Cupid chosen to represent Valentine's Day?
When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
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"Patty," a lady called to a little girl who was in the parlor, "Did you tell your mother that I was here?" "Yes, ma'am,"
answered Patty, demurely. "And what did she say?" "She said, 'Oh, not that dreadful woman again!'"
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In the Penn State school paper "The Collegian" there was a special Valentine's Day personals section. One of them read. . . .
"To K.S. -- I've been wanting to say these three special words for a long time now, so here it goes.
'Wow! Great ass!'"
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Little Johnny and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall. Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him. The fire chief asked little Little Johnny, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"
Little Johnny replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
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One day when my daughter was about 6 years old, we were out for dinner with a friend in a fairly nice restaurant. She asked me "Mom, will you armwrestle with me?" I said no, and she continued to ask and plead with me.
Finally I said, "Sheleana, I could beat you with both hands behind my back." with which she replied very sarcastically, "what are you gonna do, bite me???"
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took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice. I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy.
I was done ... I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie.
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An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
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AFFAIR CONFESSION
A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."
"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest.
"You're not to go near that woman again.
Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.
The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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