REMINDERS:
Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 2 days
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 3 days
Washington's Birthday - Tue, Feb 20 - 4 days
St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 27
**********************
JOKES:
.......
A clip from "The Tonight Show" out takes (censored) shows Johnny Carson
introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid-
70's. She was appearing to promote a new film.
When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative
fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's
look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal. After much audience jubilance,
Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first
words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?"
Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the
way."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign
speech to be under oath?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When my sister was 14 years old, my mom found her and her boyfriend in Chrissy's
room.
Mom "chased" the boyfriend downstairs and firmly told both of them that there
were not to be any boys upstairs. The day after Chrissy and her husband, Matt,
got married, after dating for seven years, they came over to my parents for
dinner. Matt, standing by the banister, said to Mom: "Can I go upstairs now?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After
watching me struggle with it, one of my students took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The
hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the
problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two missionaries were walking down the sidewalk when they were confronted by a
Baptist minister who stopped in front of them and angrily declared, "I don't
step aside for ministers of false religions!" The missionaries smiled, and said
"We do!" as they stepped into the street and walked on.
As they continued on their way, they were confronted by a Catholic Priest who
greeted them by saying "Good morning you sons of the Devil!" to which they
replied, "Good morning, Father!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Benjamin was on a safari deep in the Amazon jungle when he found himself
surrounded by fierce-looking natives. {{{ Gulp! }}} As they moved closer,
Benjamin suddenly remembered an old trick he saw in a movie. Quickly, he pulled
out his Bic lighter and flicked the flame towards the leader of the natives.
Astonished, the leader jumped back several feet and gasped, "Wow! That's
incredible!"
"You'd better believe it's incredible," says Benjamin, all the while continuing
to wave the fire at him.
"It certainly is," says the leader. . ."Why, I can't remember the last time I
saw a lighter that worked the first time you flicked it!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When I transferred to a new school as principal, I continued a program I had
often conducted:
Chicken eggs were placed in an incubator, and the children, with the aid of
lights, viewed the embryos, watched them hatch and then cared for the chicks. On
the last day the chicks were to be at the school, I carried a fluffy little bird
to the first grade classroom and let each child touch it. One girl, caressing
the chick, whispered to me, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a principal."
Surprised, I asked, "Why would you want to be a principal?"
"I want to hatch chickens," she answered.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One lady gets married and has 17 children.
Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally
together." A guy sitting in the front row says, Excuse me Father, but you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I
mean her legs."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Recently, I was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising
altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public- address system.
She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restrooms were out of order.
The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any
inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free
drinks will be served."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs
officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different
story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The
judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
As a secretary for the department of National Defense, I was asked by our
Brigadier to take the minutes of a meeting of unit heads. The meeting dealt with
a contentious proposal, and intemperate language was used. When I typed the
minutes, I phrased the issues in the most circumspect and diplomatic manner
possible and finally presented them to the Brigadier. He studied the document
for quite some time before he finally said, "Well, Janet, it looks like you got
a lot more out of that meeting than the rest of us!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison.
One is British, one is American, and the last one is Scottish. But now they're
bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do.
"Let's play golf." The American finally says.
"I don't know how to play that."
The Scot says, "Oh it's easy," answers the Brit, "all you need is a ball, a
stick, and a hole."
"I got the ball," says the American, "I got the stick," says the Brit.
Then the Scot says, "I don't wanna play."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Little Johnny ran out to a field his Pa was plowing to report, "there's a
strange man at the house. I dunno what he wants." "Son," the father told him,
"if it's the landlord, he wants his rent.
If it's the banker, he's come to foreclose the mortgage. And if it's a traveling
salesman, you run home fast as your legs will carry you and sit in your maw's
lap til I get there!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When I was in high school I took a geology class. We were talking about the land
bridge between Alaska and Asia, and how it's now covered by water because so
much ice has melted.
One student asked, "Why we don't just drain the water?"
When asked where we would put the water, he said, "We could dump it in the
ocean."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A walker got lost while he was on a walk in the woods. He stumbled upon a very
large farmhouse. He knocked on the door and to his surprise, a beautiful girl
opened it. He asked if he could stay with them for a while. The father of the
girl said that he could stay under one condition, not to have intercourse with
his daughter. The father laid 50 eggs in front of the daughter's door and went
to bed. The walker lay wide awake in the barn as he thinks about the beautiful
girl. He gets up and goes to the girls room, breaking about 10 eggs. After the
long hours with the girl, he leaves and glues all the eggs back together. When
the father wakes up, he looks at the girls room and sees all the intact eggs. He
wakes up the walker and says he will treat him to breakfast. The father tells
the walker to go get some eggs. When the father starts to break the eggs,
nothing comes out time after time. He suddenly says, "those damned chickens got
in my condom stash again!"
************************************
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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