TODAY'S JOKES 2-18-03
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REMINDERS:
St. Patrick's Day Mon, Mar 17 - 28 days
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JOKES:
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A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.
"In fact, three doctors are there already!"
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When we moved into our new home, the first one we owned rather than rented, two of my husband's friends gave him a bottle of champagne.
In the hustle and bustle of getting settled, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten.
Three months later we held a Christening party for our third child.
Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, we remembered our housewarming gift.
In front of our guests, I opened the attached card and read it aloud, "Donald, take good care of this one, it's yours!"
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SNAPPY REPLIES
Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give you a job.
I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it.
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
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Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while. There was a fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.
I found a fairly easy fix for that, though.
Have a female friend call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like "Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"
It is the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.
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A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, Pa.:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QUAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business...And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement...We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty...
And after all, it is just a sign.
You might ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Scroll down to find out | V | V | V | V A FUNERAL HOME And who said morticians have no sense of humor!?
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A guy gets a sandwich from the supermarket on his lunch hour.
While waiting at the checkout, he's behind a woman with a cartload of groceries. So he asks, "Excuse me, I've been waiting for five minutes..."
"So what? I've been waiting here almost ten."
"Um, yeah," he says, "but I've only got one item, and I'm on my lunch hour-"
"I don't care!" she replies. "I'M the next customer in this lane!"
So this guy, time running out suddenly says, "Hey look, this month's Cosmo's got Russell Crowe in the buff!"
She grabs for the mag, he shoots in front of her and gets rung up. All of a sudden...
DING! DING! DING! WHOOP! WHOOP!
WHOOP!
The cashier says "Congratulations!
You're our millionth customer!
You've won a $1000 shopping spree!"
Outraged, the woman screams, "That's not fair! I was the next customer!"
And our guy says, "So what are you complaining about? YOU STILL ARE!"
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I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."
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Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting tons of movie making equipment into the heart of the jungle were enormous. He literally had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.
The biggest expense was building a faithful replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.
The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. As Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground there was only one chance to film it.
He set up four cameras:
"Ok, camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an over head shot of the whole scene."
"Ok boss"
"Camera two, I'd like you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot.
"OK boss"
"Camera three, we've built a special fireproof hut in the center of the city. You can poke the camera through a hole in the side and get a close up view from the heart of the fire"
"Ok boss"
"Camera four, I need you at the top of that hill over there to get a long range shot"
"Ok boss"
Once the cameras and actors were all in place, Spielberg himself lit the match to start the fire.
It was an amazing sight, the fire raged and roared for over an hour as the entire multi-million dollar set was completely destroyed and reduced to a smoking pile of ash.
Spielberg radioed the helicopter, "Camera one, how did it go?"
"Sorry boss but the smoke was so thick I couldn't see a thing.
Then the smoke got into the engine of the chopper and we were forced to land. I didn't get anything."
"Damn!" thought Spielberg, "well I guess I can just use the footage from the other three cameras."
"Camera two, how did it go?"
"Sorry boss but the down draft from the chopper blades fanned the flames and started the bush all around us on fire. We had to run for safety and the camera was burned to a crisp."
"Crap!, I guess I'll have to make two with two cameras"
"Camera three, please tell me you got the shot"
"Sorry boss, the fireproof hut worked fine, but the lens of the camera couldn't take the heat and it melted. I got nothing"
"I can't believe this!" cried Spielberg.
"Thank god I sent that last camera up on the hill. The smoke didn't blow that way, there was no brush fire or heat to worry about."
He walks towards the hill, cups his hands to his mouth and yells...
"CAMERA FOUR!!"
And the cameraman yells back...
"READY WHEN YOU ARE!"
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Spell "MOM" on New Pager
When my demanding mother found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone.
So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
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A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell, and the nudist butler opened the door." he started.
His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was a butler?"
"Well," he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away that it wasn't the maid."
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A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty and so he decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee pig running around the kitchen and running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied, "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT day!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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