REMINDERS:

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 19 - 2 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 20 - 3 days

Washington's Birthday - Wed, Feb 22 5 days

NCAA March Madness Begins Tue, Mar 12 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?
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You're not a kid anymore when you can live without sex, but not without your glasses. ~Jeff Foxworthy~
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Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it.
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The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. ~Dudley Moore~
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A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.
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A friend forgives your defects, and if he is very fond of you, he doesn't see any.
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Why is it that whenever we bounce a check, the bank will charge us more of what they already know we don't have?
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On the church questionnaire, the elderly lady filled out all but at the address when it came to 'zip,' she wrote, 'Normal for my age.'
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. ~Erma Bombeck~
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School is where children go to catch cold from other children so that they can stay home.
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Where can an Italian get Jewish food cooked by a Mexican in an Asian deli? Only in New York ~Tim Halpern~
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Medicine may be the only profession that labors incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence.
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A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past. "Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,"
called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. "How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. "Oh, a good two miles." A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?" "Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles." "Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"
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I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. ~Janeane Garofalo~
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THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Do we know much about women? Do we? We don't. We know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're pissed off. We just don't know what order those are going to come at us.
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A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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E-MAIL

I still recall the three-cent stamp, and phone calls for a dime, And I remember that before E-Mail I had more time, But somehow now, with anxious fingers I can't wait to see Exciting things that my Inbox has waiting there for me.

I turn on my Computer, click the Icon for the Net, And when I type my password in, my E-Mail I can get.

My messages sometimes are funny, and sometimes they're sad. Oft times they are informative, with news that makes me glad.

Some days I laugh my head off, and some other days I grieve, But each new message seems just like a gift that I receive.

I'm not confessing just how often, or how long I spend Receiving, clicking, viewing, typing messages to send; And I am sure before E-Mail, I got a lot more done. But I must still admit that NOW...I HAVE A LOT MORE FUN!

~ © Betty Jo Mings
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Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.
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"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign is several hundred thousand dollars in debt. So it looks like there will be a 'Terminator 4.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry." --Dave Letterman
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"There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" --Woody Allen

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them." --Joseph Heller

My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."
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A wife became suspicious because her husband was spending long periods of time away from home, supposedly on business trips. So she hired a private investigator to follow him and report on his behavior.

The detective reported that he traveled to a near-by city where he spent his evenings in an apartment with a beautiful woman, and had photographs to prove it.

When her husband returned from his “business trip,” she confronted him about his involvement with another woman. He then confessed to having a second marriage. When his wife reacted in disbelief, the man said, . . . ”I think it was bigamy to admit it.”
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

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