REMINDERS:

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 3 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 4 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue, Feb 20 - 5 days

St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 28
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JOKES:
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Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.
When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved. "She was an angel," I informed her. "Really?" she questioned. "Yes, really. A perfect angel."

I assured her, "I just don't understand.
Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.
Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.
She misbehaves for everyone else. In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class. How come she always behaves for you?" My sister in law asked.

"I don't know. I guess I just have a way with children. I also try to educate them as well. A child is never to young to learn." I answered.
"What do you mean. What did you teach her?"
She inquired.

"Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process. I explained this concept very carefully to her." I informed my sister-in-law. "Really?
You explained this to her at 13?"

She asked dumfounded. "Well actually she was much younger when I explained this. She now understands death perfectly. Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective."
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Mrs. Taylor asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.

"Rome was built at night." was his answer.

"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her boney-knuckled hands. "How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."
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Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"
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Shortly after we were married, my husband, Glen, and I had a dinner party for some of his colleagues whom we didn't know well. I was nervous, but everything seemed fine. As our guests were leaving, they admired an antique rifle displayed on the wall. When they asked what the story behind it was, Glen explained, "My father-in-law gave it to me...right after the wedding."
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"If your mind goes blank, don't forget to turn off the sound."

Red Green
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A talkative golfer complained to a friend one day about a rude fellow who was in the clubhouse with him. "The man must have yawned four or five times while I was talking,"
he said. "Maybe he wasn't yawning," the friend commented. "Maybe he was trying to say something."
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A hunter got lost in the woods. After wandering around in the forest for three days, exhausted and starving, he finally spotted a forest ranger coming towards him.

"Oh, thank goodness you found me!" said the relieved hunter. "I've been lost for three days!"

"You think that's bad," replied the ranger... "I've been lost for two weeks!"
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There was a major sale at Victoria's Secret and Thorn wanted to get his wife some really sexy lingerie. The store was packed with women for this big sale and before he knew it, Thorn was pushed and shoved by frantic women all trying to get at the merchandise. Thorn remained calm for as long as he could, then bowed his head and pushed hard and effectively and plowed through the crowd of women.

"Hey you!", an angry female voice yelled out at him, "Try acting like a gentleman!"

"That's what I HAVE BEEN doing," Thorn retorted, "But since that isn't working out for me, I'm gonna now act like you ladies!"
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The Garlic Diet:


You don't lose weight, you just look thinner from a distance.
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Your mind is like any other muscle. If you don't use it, it shrinks.
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My wife, Melissa, was planning to attend a conference and was looking at airline schedules on the Internet. As she checked different combinations of flights, she mistakenly keyed in a return time that was before the departure time, only to see this message appear on the computer screen: "Sorry, time travel is not permitted."
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Our son, who's in the Army stationed in Georgia, invited my husband and me for a visit.

After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."

"How do you know?" I asked.

He pointed to a sign that read, "Sonny's Bar-B-Q--Tank Parking Available."
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From the medical office where I was a secretary, I called the hospital X-ray department to get an urgent verbal report of a patient's test results. The technician I spoke to began to read what was obviously going to be a lengthy, detailed report. With the doctor standing beside me impatiently waiting for the clue to his patient's diagnosis, I interrupted the technician to ask, "Please just read me the bottom line."

She cheerfully obliged. "Thank you for referring your patient."
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I have a new hero. I just read today about a Slovak man who was trapped in his car under an avalanche and freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realized the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-liter bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realized he could urinate on the snow to melt it.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it.
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You know, we make fun of President Bush. But seriously, it's nice to have a president who is busy coloring eggs instead of trying to fertilize them.

- Jay Leno -
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I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size.
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The first morning of the honeymoon was quite a scare for Trump's new wife.

She woke up and saw what his hair looked like in the morning.
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A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits.

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. Oh, doctor, what will happen to her?"

"Eventually," said the doctor... "she will rise and shine."
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Bush met with former president Jimmy Carter.
Jimmy Carter is seventy-six years old, or as Democrats call him, "Their bright new star of the future.

- David Letterman
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The holy Roman Emperor Henry VI liked to cheer up his troops by having nuns stripped, then smeared with honey, then decorated with feathers and sent on horseback through the ranks of cheering men.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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