REMINDERS:

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 4 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 5 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue, Feb 20 - 6 days

St. Patrick's Day - Thu, March 17 - 29
**********************

JOKES:
.......
A friend who lost her mate several years ago developed a friendship with a man who had also lost his spouse. They seemed a perfect match, and all their children agreed they should get married. This was their invitation:

Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father.
Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents!

Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.
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Mom's answering machine

Hello- This is your Mother!

If you want my advice: PRESS 1 If you want to argue: PRESS 2 If you want your father to drive you somewhere:
PRESS 3 If you want to leave a message: WAIT FOR THE TONE If you want to aggravate me or borrow money:
HANG UP!
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The obituary editor of a newspaper was not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" replied the editor calmly. "And where are you calling from?"
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On the day my husband and I got married, a snowstorm made the highways treacherous for the guests traveling to our wedding. During the
50 mile drive to our town, my cousin's three young boys made a game of counting the vehicles that had ended up in the ditch. They had just passed the sixth one when my cousin lost control of their slow moving car and it slid off the road. After a few seconds of stunned silence, their oldest boy yelled, "Seven!"
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Our 16-year-old daughter, Emily, mentioned that her new boyfriend would pick her up and drive her to one of their activities. From earlier conversations, I had concluded the young man had been driving for a couple of years. Although it was snowy and the roads slippery, I gave my approval. But when Emily told me that he was only 16 and had been driving only a few months, I expressed concern about her safety with someone so young and inexperienced.

Never one to miss an opportunity, our
14-year-old grinned. "So does this mean that you only want me to date older men, Dad?"
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Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His first customer ordered a Milkshake.

"Ted," his manager said, "remember to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."

His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger.
This time, the manager approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they want fries with their order."

At this point a man came in wearing a ski mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face. "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"

Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly said, "Would you like that for here or to go?"
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It wasn't unusual that my husband was still asleep when I got ready for work. He often has weekdays off. I went about my daily routine in a hurry because I was later than usual. I grabbed my newspaper to read at lunch and ran out the door. Traffic was exceptionally light, and I made great time. On arrival at the office, I prepared the coffee for the sales force and then started to work. An hour went by before I realized the phone hadn't rung once. Just then it did.
"Honey," my husband said, "I didn't know you were working today."

"What do you mean?" I said. "I work every day."

He started to laugh. "On Sunday?"
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We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are some advantages to living in a mobile home.

One time, it caught on fire. We met the fire department halfway there.
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The class had gone to lunch and the restroom and returned to class. The teacher did not see Johnnie.

She asked, "Where's Johnnie?"

One of the students replied, "He's in the bathroom, lying on the floor."

She asked, "Why is he doing that?"

The child said, "I don't know. He's been like that since he stuck the scissors in the light socket."
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A billionaire in Texas has hired the Rolling Stones to play at his sixtieth birthday party.

Mick and Keith say that playing the sixtieth birthday party will be a great chance to keep in touch with their younger fans.
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Did you hear about the man who thought he would try being a salesman?

About a week later he ran into a friend, and the friend asked him if he had sold anything.

The man replied, "Well, no, but I got three orders last week -- get out, stay out, and don't come back."
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My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England.
One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?"
one of the women asked.

"No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order."

"Then where are the monks?" asked the woman.

The man replied, "Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415."

Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."
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Billy Bob and Rusty are walkin' through the drug store. Rusty turns to Billy Bob and asks, "What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

Billy Bob replied, "I think it's the taste!"
*************************************That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

 

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