REMINDERS:

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 5 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 6 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 20 - 7 days
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JOKES:
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It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.

"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money..

I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window.
"Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam." Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."
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I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
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"They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them."

Johnny Carson
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Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is a mess. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie.
Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls grow into women. Boys grow into bigger boys.
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Little' Sue was in her bedroom when her younger brother knocked on the door.

"Hey! Let me in," he shouted.

"I can't let you in because I'm in my nighty and mom says it isn't right for little boys to see little girls in their nighty's!"

Her little brother thought about this for a moment, then turned to walk away, when Sue called out from her room.

"You can come in now! I took it off!"
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Do you think men are smarter then women?
NOPE! And I can prove it......

Occasionally a local radio station airs "BATTLE OF THE SEXES", in which listeners phone in to answer trivia questions. One day a man named Ronnie answered a difficult one correctly which put the men in front. The DJ was impressed and kept Ronnie on the line. He asked him how he knew the answer to such a tough question.
Ronnie answered, "I asked my wife. She knows everything!"
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The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as Colonel Hendrick.

She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.

He said, "H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in kite."

When her father returned, he found the following message: "Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite."
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There was this West Va. sheriff and his deputy riding along the small town. They spot a car without of town plates and decided to pull it over. The sheriff says, "Where you from boy?"

The man says Chicago.

Sheriff says, "Don't lie to me son I saw them Illinois tags."
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One day a child at my four-year-old's preschool class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel'.

Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.

The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"

A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
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A father often read Bible stories to his young children.

One day he read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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Five mornings a week, my husband goes to the health club, gets on the stair-stepper, sets the timer, and buries his nose in a book. Recently, he noticed an amazingly fit middle-aged woman who seemed to run circles around everyone, took few breaks, and rarely even broke a sweat.

"It's not fair," he complained. "By the time I'm dragging myself off to the showers, she's hopping back onto the stepper for yet *another*
session!"

One day he came home with a sheepish grin.

"Well," he said, "I just found out -- they're identical twins."
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Doesn't it bother you when people litter?


The most creative rationale for throwing an apple core out the window is, "It will plant seeds for other trees to grow." And of course, our highways are lined with apple trees - - right next to the cigarette bushes. ~Nick Arnette
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A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"

The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."

He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"

The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in
1369."

The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"

Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know what? Neither did I!"
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The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.

In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"

Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

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The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh"
to the front is used for emphasis:

Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

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These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:

English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics:
"Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics:
"You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebronics:
"Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?
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I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
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Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards--and the flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water.

Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"

The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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