REMINDERS:
Valentine's Day - Mon, Feb 14 - 0 days
Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 6 days
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 7 days
Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 20 - 8 days
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JOKES:
.......
The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they
alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.
Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding
the creature, she located a prospective new home for it. The children took the
news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked,
"He's been around here a long time--we'll miss him."
"Yes," Mom replied, "But he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that
one person, I say he goes."
Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be
so messy, we could keep him."
But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted.
"Go and get his cage."
With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought
you said Daddy!"
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In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any
place they want.
In a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days
will be disposed of.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see
the manager.
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An old-timer is one who remembers when we counted our blessings instead of our
calories.
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Wood: that remarkable material which burns so easily in a forest and with such
difficulty in a fireplace.
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Seeing her mother in front of the mirror grimacing, the teenage girl asked,
"What's wrong, Mom?" Her mother sighed and said, "My breasts are like my
marriage. They both used to be a cute couple until you kids came along."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait
to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the
guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging
excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging
furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears.
He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail
all the time? Oy ...
This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know!
And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget
it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you
care?
Why don't you try it if you think it's so good?
You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my
business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time
you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned.
In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it.
Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa
talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I
said, 'Kvetch'."
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50% of men said they'd cheat on their wife, with her best friend if they were
guaranteed they wouldn't get caught. The other 50% said they wish their wives
had better looking friends!
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Long lines were suppose to be a thing of the past once our neighborhood
supermarket installed a self-serve checkout counter.
Customers easily figured it out -- except for the woman at the front of my line.
In it's irritating computer-generated voice, the machine kept reminding her to
take one item after another out of the scanning zone before she could check the
next item. There was a constant..
"Move.... your.... produce" and "Move...
your...milk" and so on.
Everyone in the growing line was getting restless, but even we had to laugh when
she left a bag of dinner rolls on the scanner and the machine commanded,
"Move.... your.... buns."
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Anthony and Kathy married. Anthony thought this would be a modern marriage which
meant equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, Anthony brought Kathy breakfast
in bed.
Kathy wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked
disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, Anthony brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Kathy wasn't having any of it. "Don't you think I like variety? I wanted poached
this morning!"
Determined to please Kathy, the next morning he brought his true love two eggs -
one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love...
enjoy!"
Kathy was furious, "You scrambled the wrong egg!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we
noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my
courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White
House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to
us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you
have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the
bar."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
We took my sons, ages seven and five, up to Friendship Park for a picnic.
My seven year old read the sign with the playground rules to his brother.
"Do not jump on the merry-go-round when in motion."
"Go down the slide while sitting, only."
"Only one child on a swing at a time."
(There were a good twenty rules.)
The boys promised to obey them if I would let them play without Daddy standing
by. So, I joined my wife at the picnic table.
Just before it was time to eat, I went over and watched them play. They were
obeying the rules, that is, all but one. On the tall semicircular slide, they
were coming down head first!
I took them over to the posted regulations. We read them, again. I asked the
boys what they had to say for themselves.
"Oh, don't be silly, Dad...no one uses the slide rule anymore!"
************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........ and the Computer
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