TODAY'S JOKES 2-14-03
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REMINDERS:
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 3 days
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JOKES:
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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"Yes, I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
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"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please,... Break my arms!"
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A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
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This gay guy is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but you have contracted HIV". The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, "doc, doc, what should I do?" The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. Tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then eat all of the fresh fruit you can eat. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there." So the gay guy is a little confused, and asks, "So is all that going to help?"
The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is used for."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
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An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?,"
gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy,"
admitted the young lady, "but 3 girls helped me catch him."
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A Missouri farmer passed away and left
17 mules to his three sons.
The instructions left in his will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one- ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and rode out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6, and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and rode home.
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Four Kinds of Doctors ~~~
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
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A little man walked into a bar and slipped on a pile of dog poo by the door. Moments later, a burly biker came in and slipped on it as well. ".
The little man said: "I just did that." and the biker hit him.
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Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said, "Why if he didn't have an account here, I wouldn't cash a check for my own brother."
The irate customer replied, "Well... you know your family a lot better than I."
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Before our daughter went off to college, our family took a vacation in Colorado. So we flew to Denver and rented a car. We visited the Royal Gorge Bridge, which is more than 1000 feet above the Arkansas River. Walking out onto the bridge, I noticed it swaying in the wind. Then a car went past us, and the wood- plank roadway moved beneath my feet. "I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," I finally said. "What are you worried about?" our daughter replied. "It's a rental."
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If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer -- it just seems longer.
Clement Freud
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As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said.
"Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed.
"We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
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As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said.
"Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed.
"We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
Personal story: When I was in high school, people thought I was weird. They tormented me for murmuring whenever nobody listened to me; they thought I was talking to someone that wasn't there.
Anyhow, this is another thing I saw on a T-shirt that I wish I'd been whimsical enough to say whenever anyone called me crazy:
"You're just jealous because the voices don't talk to you."
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An old Jewish woman has been invited to help screen a movie for the rating it'll carry. The movie is an old remake of a Roman Gladiator-type movie. In the middle of the movie is a scene where the Romans are feeding people to the lions. The little old lady hits the buzzer she's been given, which stops the movie.
The attendant comes down to her chair and says, "Yes, ma'am?" "This movie should be rated 'R'," she says, "because those Jews are being fed to the lions!" The attendant says, "Ma'am, those are Christians, not Jews." "Oh..... Ok.
Well, start the movie up again."
A few minutes later she again presses the buzzer. The attendant comes down to her chair. "Yes ma'am?"
She points to the screen. "Those lions over there... ....they're not eating!"
That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck .....and the Computer
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