TODAY'S JOKES 2-13-03
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REMINDERS:

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 4 days
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JOKES:
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The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new billboard. It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant. A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?" But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.

Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"
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Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.
A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing."
she kept repeating dazedly.
"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."
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At the drugstore

The saleslady "We have shampoos for greasy hair, shampoos for dry hair, and shampoos for normal hair."

The customer "Do you have any for dirty hair?"
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"I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid three or four times a week."

"That's funny," said another patron.
"That's why I got divorced."
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Jill's car was involved in three minor accidents over several years.
Each time she had a different part of the car repaired.
The last time, she asked what it would cost to repaint the front end - the only portion not yet touched.

The mechanic suggested, "Why don't you just paint a bull's eye on it?
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If you have sex with your own clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?
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Seventy-year-old Oleg is on his deathbed.


He says, "Inga, my darling wife, are you here?"

She says, "Of course, my love."

He says, "Inga, our children; are they here?"

All eight children pipe, "Yes, Father, we're all here."

He says, "Our wonderful relatives...are they here as well?"

Brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews all say, "Yes, Oleg. We're here, too."

Oleg says, "Then why is the kitchen light on?!"
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The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
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Four retired Army vets are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and or!
der another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with ! the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Sergeant and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the! bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."
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Mother Truths:


- Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . . .somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . . .somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring .
. . somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good" ...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . .somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . .
somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
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A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the 25th anniversary of my wife's thirty-ninth birthday!"
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I think most of us will enjoy this bit of "Community Service".

Recently, California ran an e-mail forum (question and answer exchange)with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the Blue Line side), a cool cop with a sense of humor replied:

" It is not easy. In California we average one cop for every
2000 people. About 60% of those cops are on patrol, where we do most of our harassing. One-fifth of that
60% are on duty at any moment and available for harassing people. So, one cop is responsible for harassing about 10,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing
20,000 or more people a day. A ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds.
This gives a cop one- second to harass a person, and three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task. Most cops are not up to it day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those which we harass. They are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we use. Then, we come out and give special harassment. Another popular one on a week night is,"The kids next door are having a party".

CARS: We have special cops who harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars blasting music, cars with expired registration stickers and the like.
It is lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

CODES: When you can think of nothing else to do, there are books that give ideas for reasons to harass folks. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the code, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, the code says that is not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass the guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why?
Because the good citizens who pay the tab like that we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give me a single figure wave. That is a signal that you wish for me to take a little closer look at you, and maybe I'll find a reason to harass YOU.

Looking forward to meeting you!
(NOTE - Please don't harrass me - this is intended as a joke!
Although, my hubby is a cop so.... HA Popo)
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A physician presented his bill to the attorney representing a deceased person's estate. Each of them knew the other, having tangled quite a few times in court, where the doctor was often called as an "expert witness".

The Doctor asked the lawyer if he wanted the bill sworn to.

"No," replied the lawyer, "the death of [Mr Smith] is sufficient evidence that you attended him professionally."

"Be that as it may," replied the doctor, "the fact that you handled his affairs is probably why he couldn't afford to pay this bill in the first place."
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The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle. The host gives one of the two teams a clue, and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword.

Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."

Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer

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