TODAY'S JOKES 2-12-03
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REMINDERS:
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 5 days
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JOKES:
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A hippie on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him and at once finds himself very attracted to her.
He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he asks her to dinner.
The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for "perhaps a roll in the hay". The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.
The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?"
After the hippie nods emphatically and demonstrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment.
"Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six PM she takes this bus to the local cemetery, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there..."
The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.
Thursday comes and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetery.
Sure enough, at six PM he sees the nun enter and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.
The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume---a long flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun and catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her.
"My child" he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience."
The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin.
My vow of celibacy is important to me."
The hippie, eager to get going nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out.
After they are finished, the hippie pulls off his mask and shouts...
"HAHA, I'M THE HIPPIE!!!"
to which the nun responds by taking off her mask and shouting...
"HAHA, I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!!"
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...
I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother"
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"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over there's nobody home', I went over - nobody was home."
Rodney Dangerfield
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DIGGING UP THE PAST
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans
25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber network.
Irish scientists were outraged. They dug
200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
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A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came a woman and seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I'm just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I'm taking back to the company!"
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"Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really ... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'"
- Richard Jeni
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At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma.
Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
The Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.
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Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few,"
he says with a snarl, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Choir Practice
Joe's wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir.
From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
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At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Mont., lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates. "Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm.
That eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
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The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs.
Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D.
Jones' ad yesterday.
It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.
Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
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One day a young mother was sick in bed at home with her young daughter. The daughter was about four, and always wanting to be of help to her mommy. So while her mother was sick, the young girl got some magazine for her mom, fluffed all the pillows for her, and even made her a cup of tea!
Her mother was very pleased with the tea and asked her daughter how she had ever learned to make tea on her own. Her daughter proudly told her mom, "well mommy, I've seen you do it LOADS of times. Only this time I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead."
"YOU WHAT!?!?!" her mother cried.
"Oh don't worry mommy, I didn't use the new fly swatter, I used the old one."
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There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Rabinowitz, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs. Rabinowitz, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Rabinowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs. Rabinowitz answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*ck the rabbi.'"
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My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"
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What's the definition of a great salesman?
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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Maurice finally got to see a movie he had been looking forward to for weeks. He found it hard to enjoy, however, because two women in the row in front of him chatted nonstop. Finally, the exasperated Maurice leaned forward and told the women "Excuse me, but I can't hear a word."
The woman closest to him snapped, "I should hope not.
This is a private conversation!"
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Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a
terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became
something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record
of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three
hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough
to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and
applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called
for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins
wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer
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