REMINDERS:

Lincoln's Birthday Sat, Feb 12 - 1 days

NFL - Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 13 - 2 days

Daytona 500 - Sun, Feb 20 - 9 days

Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 21 - 10 days

Washington's Birthday - Tue Feb 20 - 12 days
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JOKES:
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Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement.
"A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.

"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor reeks of BO and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again!"

"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
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After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful Bible college student who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."
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Safety was job one at my company.
During a safety training course, the instructor asked our group, "Does your company have an evacuation plan in place?"

"Yes," said one employee, "and it works without a hitch!"

"Really?" said the instructor. "How'd you do that?"

"We practice every day at five o'clock."
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If you make out your income tax return correctly, you go to the poor-house; if you don't, you go to prison.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Erma Bombeck
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True Story: I invited a good friend of mine named Nick to a bowhunting expedition in the nearby mountains where I live in New Mexico. He took his young nephew "Little Ray" with him who was ten years old at the time. Little Ray's job was to lug around a backpack that contained lunch for Nick and himself. It was treacherous terrain and soon Little Ray started to fall behind complaining about how heavy his backpack was. Nick and I were tired too for we also had heavy gear to carry, but, Nick graciously offered to carry Little Ray's backpack for him. After a few miles, Nick was looking very weary and started complaining about how heavy the backpack was also. Grumbling under his breath "Just what the heck is in this thing anyway", Nick unzipped the backpack and dumped the contents on the ground. The contents of the backpack:

Little Ray's rock collection which he had started that morning the moment we left the truck.
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They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.
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At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.

An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
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My Dad Always Said...


If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

I am having an out of money experience.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm not afraid of heights, I'm afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating, always use condiments.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
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"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"

"It's the worst damn job I ever had."

"How long have you been there?"

"About three freakin months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way. This is the first time in 20 years I've looked forward to going home."
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Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ"
got nominated for three lesser awards:
cinematography, makeup, and musical score.

Apparently Hollywood felt the movie looked great, but the story wasn't believable.
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Yogi Berra, famous baseball catcher, was notorious for swinging at bad pitching.
One day he reached for three wild ones in succession and struck out. Muttering in disbelief, he mumbled to nobody in particular, "How does a pitcher like that ever stay in the league?"
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The first day at my new health club, I asked the young woman at the front desk, "What are your hours? I like to exercise after work."

"Our club is open 24/7," she said excitedly. "Monday through Saturday."
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A group of dentists decided to open a new practice, but as competition in their area was fierce they wanted the new business to be unique. They set up shop aboard a boat and offered river crossings as a bonus. Their practice was soon known as "The Tooth Ferry."
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Getting old is so hard at times.


Yesterday I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up with the Polygrip.

Now, I walk funny, but - my gums don't itch.
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I spent two years in New York as Mormon missionary. Myself and another Mormon missionary were late getting home to our apartment one night. So we hailed a cab at about 56th Street and Columbus. We asked the driver to get us to 94th and Lexington as fast as he could. He just tore outta there. The cabbie asked us who we were. We told him "Mormon missionaries". He then turned around with a wry look in his eyes and asked if he could smoke. We explained to him that Mormons didn't smoke tobacco. We politely told him that we would appreciate it if he wouldn't either. He then smiled, showed us the lighted marijuana joint and said, "Don't worry. I'm not smoking cigarettes." I know that he just loved the look on our faces as we sat in the back stunned and speechless for the rest of the ride. Ah...gotta love New York cabbies.
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NEW CASTLE, Del. - After you rob a woman it's probably not a good idea to ask her out. Police stated that after two men robbed a Domino's Pizza delivery woman one of the suspects called her on his cell phone to apologize and ask for a date. The victim wasn't interested in him, but was interested in giving the police his cell phone number. Brent Brown, 25, was arrested along with 18-year-old Andre Moore and now faces second-degree robbery charges. Police are still on the lookout for a 16-year-old suspect that was connected to the crime. Officers searched the boy's home And found the evidence they needed, pizza boxes with the receipt. Hey, there are easier ways to meet women.
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Sadly neglected by her husband, a horny housewife turned to her next-door neighbor for advice.

"Why don't you order your milk from the milkman," was the suggestion, "and when the bill comes, see if you can settle it with sex."

This seemed like an excellent idea, and sure enough, when the bill was presented, the milkman was delighted to settle for a long and energetic screw.
Putting his pants back on, the milkman reached for the bill to mark it "Paid in Full"

"Oh, no you don't," said the housewife, grabbing the bill. "You brought me this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I'm gonna pay for it."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ....... and the Computer
 

 

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