TODAY'S JOKES 2-11-03
********************
REMINDERS:
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 6 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar- itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The airlines are working much harder to deal with the problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out."
"What's that?"
"Israel must declare war on the United States."
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?"
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous."
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work."
"Why not?"
"Because with Jewish luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night because he had a fight with his wife.
"What happened?" the friend asked.
"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The Breast Institute reassured women who have had breast implants that in no cases has breast enhancement resulted in illness or disease. That might not be true. A lifetime of free drinks can cause all kinds of health problems.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The couple ended their date at her house.
She invited the man in, since it was early.
As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like to have a lil' drink ?"
He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."
"How very convenient." she mused.
"'Cause that's exactly what I'm having."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "Just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited."
"Well, Father," the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!" "A serious infraction, indeed!"
said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, Father."
replied the nun, "It was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
The priest exclaimed, "What a very serious infraction! What did you do?" The nun replied, "Well, I hit the ceiling, Father."
The Priest replied, "And how much did you win?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.
John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there!
Next, he slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, and John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Jill, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of her parties over the Holidays. A friend of hers brought his brother who had just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a drink from the tray and said, "I'm sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and bring you a coke."
The Priest smiled and said "No need to. I may have alcohol. Priests abstain from sex, not the grape."
"Oh !" said Jill blushing, "So that's it. I knew it was one or the other that I wasn't supposed to offer you."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Sheldon, a butcher just out of trade school in Canada applies for and gets a job, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first project he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. Sheldon finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them carefully with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is still left with a pile of unidentifiable moose parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one large bag and labels them .........."Moosellaneous."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
This old couple is ready to go to sleep, so the old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend.
"My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs."
"What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked.
The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."
*******************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html