REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 23 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 24 days
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JOKES:
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A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer park. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball.
She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was going just great until there was a knock at the door."

"And then?" said the doctor.

"Aw hell," the patient explained, "That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."
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10 Ways to Have a Great 2004!


1. Throw out the non-essential numbers, including AGE, WEIGHT, and HEIGHT.
Let the doctor worry about them.

2. Spend more time with CHEERFUL friends. The grouches and complainers pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.

6. Tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, seek help.

9. Stuff happened; stuff happens; stuff will continue to happen with or without you. Period. Get rid of guilt.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
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Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise, and now the firm had come up with a profit sharing plan.

Patty was certain his good fortune was due to his 4-leaf clover.
Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Patty could not find the clover.

He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his gray suit that he had dropped off at the dry cleaners.

He rushed to the cleaners only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up. He searched the suit and found the 4-leaf clover, still in one piece but now flattened from the dry cleaning.

From that day on, Patty's fortunes changed. Life was good but was no longer perfect.

The little inconveniences were always there.

He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting.

The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Patty's life had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened.

"This certainly was to be expected," he was told. "You should have known ... One should never press one's luck."
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After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
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A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."
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The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything, and the young know everything.
---Oscar Wilde
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“Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.
Middle age is when you're forced to.”
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For the "Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology," researchers spent a considerable amount of research funds and claim to have found that birth control pills give women's voices a more pleasant sound.

Of course any idiot could have told them that, because men always think it's more pleasant to hear "Yes,"
than "No."
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The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman. "Suppose,"
he said, "a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?"

"I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller than the other.'"

"The job is yours."
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One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card.
"Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr.
Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
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You know you're growing old when...


You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.

You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

You've found yourself discussing the weather.

You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.

You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts and black socks walking around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic- "for the last time in a generation".

You'd pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.

The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction, and squealing," you tell her you'll have the Cadillac looked at first thing Monday morning.
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More bad news for the Taliban.
Remember how they are promised seventy-two virgins when they die?

Turns out that it's only one seventy-two-year-old virgin.
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A nurse's aide goes into a patient's room and sees the elderly woman enjoying a piece of toast. "Good morning, Mrs Robinson, how are you today?" she asks.

"Oh fine honey thank you."

"Can I get you anything?"

Handing the aide an empty, crumpled foil packet, the old woman asks, "Could you possibly find me more of this Kentucky Jelly for my toast?"

Not wanting to appear stupid the aide simply agrees, although the she has no idea what Kentucky Jelly is.
Back in the unit kitchen she searches all of the cupboards but can't find any kind but the normal fruit flavors.

Finally, the aide gets fed up and checks the packaging. Unrolling the empty packet the aide reads "K-Y Jelly".
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Writing is a lot like sex.


At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you're any good at all... you end up doing it for money.
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The newest reality show will hit the airwaves next month. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé. No, I'm not making this up. I don't have to.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!
Chuck ........and the Computer

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