REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 24 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 25 days
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JOKES:
..........
HUSBANDMART

A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch:B As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building and you can never re-enter.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better"
she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a very strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor
123,456,789,012,345 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Bill Maurer)
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Subj: Finger Education

History of Middle finger Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends (maybe you know some of them) in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Giving the Finger Before the Battle of Agincourt in
1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything.

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Dave Sundy)
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One day a man decide he would buy a bra for his wife. He went to the Department Store. A sales clerk asked if she could help him. He said that he would like to buy a bra for his wife. She asked if he knows what size his wife wore. He said, No! The clerk asked if she was the size of a watermelon? He said Lord, no. Is she the size of a grapefruit? Again he replied, no. Well, Is she the size of an orange? Again he answered, no.
Well is she the size of a lemon? Again he said, no. Well, is she the size of an egg? He answered, Yeah, FRIED!
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"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'"

- Robin Williams
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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
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A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."

"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
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Women Seeking Men

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad.

Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

Men Seeking Women Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out.
Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF,
25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool.
SWM, 33, 6'0", 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

- Rodney Dangerfield
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The young teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked David, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at
23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and
45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence David replied, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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Ford is now installing voice-activated cell phones in their cars and SUVs. Do you know how these things work? If you say, "office," it'll call your office; you say, "home,"
it'll dial your home; and if you say, "Firestone," it'll dial 911.

- Jay Leno
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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Subject: sneezes

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.

The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough.

She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.
What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily", John Gross.)
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a Duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

[I love this part....] The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good -- the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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