REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 25 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 26 days
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JOKES:
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A few years ago, I went into McDonald's and ordered lunch. The total came to $4.75 or so. I handed the cashier a $10 bill, expecting $5.25 in change. Instead of entering $10.00 for the amount tendered, she entered $100.00 and attempted to count out $95.25 in change! Wait, it gets better.
There wasn't enough cash in the register, so she called over the manager to get more. He looked at the register display, looked up at me, pointed to the sign on the counter about not taking bills larger than a $20 and rudely asked me if I had anything smaller.
"No, I gave her the smallest bill I have." He said that they didn't have enough change.

It was something with the manager's attitude that forced me to give the guy a little attitude adjustment. I asked him to return my money, so that I could take my business elsewhere. By that time, the line behind me was getting restless, but they spent three minutes pulling the register apart and tearing boxes out from under the counter, looking for the missing $100 bill.
Finally, he admits that he lost the bill, and gets five $20 bills from the back office and apologizes. I handed him the money back, told him what the cashier had done, asked him for the $5.25 in change and my order. He thanked me for being honest, apologized for being a weenie, and gave me my full $10.00 back - along with lunch for free.
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Carl, who has been very sick is visiting his doctor to get the results of a battery of tests. "What are my chances of recovering, Doc?" he asks.

"One hundred percent," the doctor assures him.

"That's a relief," Carl says. "But how can you be so sure?"

"Well," the doctor says, "statistics show that nine out of every
10 patients with your disease will die.
Yours is the 10th case I've treated. The others have all died. So you are bound to get well."
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A first class BT is taking a "virgin"
Fireman on his first liberty in Kingston, Jamaica. As they walk down the narrow streets fronted by all kinds of bars and houses of joy, a girl leans out of an upstairs window and yells, "Hey, Sailor, come on up and I'll give you something you've never had before."

The BT gets a horrified look on his face, and grabbing the Fireman by the collar runs full speed for two blocks. As he slows to a walk, the Fireman looks up at him and asks, "What's the matter?"

The BT replies between gasps, "That gal must have leprosy!"
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Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
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Buying Gifts For Geeks

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a Star Wars book. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns
17 copies of "The Wookie Cookies Cookbook" and he has yet to complain. As a geek, you can never have too many Star Wars books.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a Star Wars book, buy him anything with an acronym in it. Geeks love saying those acronyms. "Hey, George! Can I borrow your PS2 to USB adapter?" "OK.
By-the-way, are you through with my PC2100 DDR RAM tester yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his game system. A crappy third-party DDR pad, a whacky looking joystick, or any game from the bargain bin. Geeks love gifts for their game systems.

Rule #4:
Do not buy geeks cologne. Do not buy geeks ties. And never buy geeks designer shoes. If God had wanted geeks to wear decent clothes, he wouldn't have invented sweatpants.

Rule #5:
You can buy geeks new remote controls to for their computer. If you have a lot of money, buy your geek a big-screen TV that can hook up to the computer with an ergonomic chair. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a geek any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, you will have to listen to the many different concoctions they did at the Microsoft Party.

Rule #7:
Buy any geek industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they will appreciate the efficiency and savings.

Rule #8:
Do not buy geeks label makers. Within a couple of weeks, there will be sighs because they will be lamenting for the newest model with Ethernet and modem ports so that he can create labels remotely.

Rule #9:
Never buy a geek anything that says "for outside use" on the box.
It will ruin his special day and he will always stick it in the closet.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for geeks include Electronics Boutique, Suncoast Video, Circuit City, Fry’s Electronics, Barnes and Noble, and Pricewatch.com. (Online stores for "Lord of the Rings"
merchandise are also excellent geek stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From 'Lord of the Rings', eh? Must be something I wanted. Hey! Isn't this genuine orc hair? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Geeks enjoy stupidity. That's why they never make mistakes of their own (*cough*) - but they will enjoy others’ stupidity. Get him the complete Monty Python Collection.
Or point him to complaint pages by AOLers. "Oh the thrill!
The challenge! Who wants to be p\/\/33n3d?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a cheesy kung fu movie are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to the WWF.

Rule #13:
Geeks love personal electronics. But never, ever, buy a geek you love a laptop. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really processor upgrade or an ergonomic keyboard. Never buy a real geek a regular keyboard. It must be an ergonomic keyboard.

Rule #15:
Photoshop. Geeks love Photoshop. It takes us back to the days when pasting your face on the body of a model was funny or at least desperate. Nothing says love like Adobe Photoshop 7.0.
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Ten Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web
1.It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2.When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3.There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

4.The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5.A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6.Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7."CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8.You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9.Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10.You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.
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My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."
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The health inspector was aghast to see the pastry cook crimping the edge of the apple pie with a set of false teeth.

"Haven't you got a tool for that?"

"Yes, but I save that for putting holes in the donuts," he replied.
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I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?" I asked.

"Denver."
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Thoughts

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?
How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
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After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"

"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
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While in Berlin, Michael Jackson visited a zoo. It was the first time that anyone has walked through a zoo and the animals were going, "What the heck is that?"

- Jay Leno
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck ......and the Computer

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