REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 26 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
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Receptionist says to a little old man, that will be a $5 co-pay please.

He hands her a $20, and she says "do you have anything smaller?"

He replies, "Yes, but I'm sure you don't want to see it."
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I used to be afraid to go to bed in the dark.
I had my dad check the closet for monsters.
I miss dad. The monsters got him.
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As you sit there today pondering Christmas and perhaps thinking of the bills, look at it this way -- think of all the garage sales you helped provide merchandise for.

And another thought To hell with the nice list, it's more fun to be naughty.
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A Christmas Card from Santa

I write this letter to tell you, High taxes have taken away, The things I really cherish:
My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.

I'm forced to ride a donkey, Who's old and crippled and slow.
So, if I don't see you at Christmas time, I'm out on my ass in the snow.

Santa
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DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU?


Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food?
Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
At the store, do you pick up the catfood and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the way.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?
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People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spokes models, such as Pamela Anderson, Melissa Etheridge, and actress Dominique Swain, have all appeared nude in ads for the organization. Which is all part of PETA's plan to ensure that people viewing the posters would have no recollection as to what the advertisements were actually for.
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Jill: How bad did things get with you and your ex?

Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet, I'd pray, "Please, God, don't let him be lying on the side of the road somewhere dead."

Jill: Okay, and then?

Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray, "Please, God, let him be lying dead on the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."
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The bank robbers had tied and gagged the bank cashier after extracting the combination to the safe and had herded the other employees into a separate room under guard.

After they had rifled the safe and were about to leave, the cashier made desperate pleading noises through the gag. Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosed the gag.

"Please," whispered the cashier, "take the books, too. I'm $8,500 short."
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Did you ever notice that people are more violently opposed to fur than leather? It must be because it's safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.
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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner, Grandma!"
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"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S.
Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
--Will Rogers
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A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
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A Rabbi, who was late for a golf game, was rather curt with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day, his secretary said, "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.

"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg," she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
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The final exam in electrical engineering worried my son, Don. On the last day of class, the professor wished the students luck as he wrote a phone number on the blackboard. "If any of you have difficulty understanding the review material, call this number,"
he said as he dismissed the class.
On Saturday afternoon, stumped by one of the review problems, Don reached for the phone and heard a recorded message from Dial-A- Prayer.
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An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"

The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've cum three times already."

"That's great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck..... and the Computer

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