REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 27 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 28 days
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JOKES:
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Personal ad in local paper:


David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie.
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Have you heard what the troops are calling the Sikorsky Blackhawk helicopter Hilary Clinton used on her Iraq tour?

"Broomstick One"
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked.

"I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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Seventy-year-old Mr. Larson went to see his doctor.

"Marlow," he said, "I need something which will enable me to get an erection. What can you do?"

The doctor gave the man a shot of potency drug, but only charged him $50.00 for the office visit.

A few days later, thrilled with the results, Mr. Larson returned for a second injection. Only this time, before leaving, he gave the doctor a crisp $100 bill.

"But the bill is only $50.00."

"I know," he winked. "The other $50.00 is from my wife."
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"Oh, I can't drink these days. I'm allergic to alcohol and narcotics. If I use them, I break out in handcuffs." (Robert Downey, Jr.)

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." (Marty Feldman)

"You can't teach old fleas new dogs."
(Frederico Fellini)

"How does it feel to be 40? Let's just say it's no coincidence the Roman numeral for 40 is XL." (Dave Coverly)

"History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided." (Konrad Adenauer)

"Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug." (John Lithgow)
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Yet another worthless stunt made the headlines this week.
DotComGuy (in reality Mitch Maddox) has just finished one whole year of being confined in his Dallas apartment, with his only contact with the outside world being the internet.

All his groceries and it now turns out his new wife were ordered on-line. Twenty web cams recorded his every move and supposedly he never once ventured outside his apartment.

Big freaking deal. Thousands of others have done that same shut-in stunt. Some of them for decades, without the benefit of computers, web cams, corporate sponsors and media attention. Completely on a shoestring budget and without health benefits.

They're called senior citizens.
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Today's useless fact - What's the story behind the invention of the merry-go-round?

It's the oldest amusement ride around and was originally created during the Middle Ages as a device for training knights to joust.
It took tragedy to popularize: When Catherine de Medicis' husband was killed during a jousting tournament in
1559, the merry-go- round began to take the place of actual knight-against-knight jousting as a safer alternative. Knights on the backs of wooden horses could spear rings or effigies of Turkish soldiers as they circled around and around. Jousting as a combat sport soon fell away entirely and the carousel's popularity grew when spectators also wanted a turn on the painted ponies.
As homage to this early ride, some merry-go-round operators in Paris will still hang rings and offer riders a stick as they mount their rides to "joust" with, carrying on a centuries-old tradition.
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I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed. It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said 'ewes'," I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale--USED."
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"Good friends are like stars, you may not see them, but they are always there."
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Why do so many women fake orgasm?


Because so many men fake foreplay.
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Claus-trophobia - The fear of getting stuck in a chimney.
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On his eightieth birthday party, the famous writer gave a small speech, he started, "At such an age actually, a man has a lot of advantages" he paused.

The pause lasted for a while, then he added, "Well I am just trying to remember what they are!"
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If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Clause?
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He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."
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Celebrity New Year's Resolutions (we'd love to see)

DR. PHIL
~He promises to finally take a class in psychology and stop all this guessing.

LIZA MINNELLI
~ She vows to marry someone who, when she buys a new outfit, won't be more interested to see how HE looks in it.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
~ He'll stop taking OxyContin for hunger pangs.

JESSICA SIMPSON
~ The human blonde joke isn't making a resolution, because she already thinks we won the resolution back in 1776.

MICHAEL JACKSON
~ Jacko resolves not to sleep in the same bed with young boys. When it's time to go to sleep, they can just meet him in the jacuzzi.

BEN AFFLECK
~ He vows he'll only cheat on J.Lo with mute strippers.

BRITNEY SPEARS
~ She'll stop kissing aging pop divas and start kissing the Hilton sisters.

SIEGFRIED & ROY
~ From now on, it's stuffed animals only!

R. KELLY
~ He'll keep reminding himself that a woman's age is measured by how many years she's been alive..not by how many days.

PARIS HILTON ~ The infamous hotel heiress and accidental porn star will try really hard to no longer be a huge embarrassment to her family. She's changing her name to Paris Motel 6.

KOBE BRYANT
~ He promises to quit leaving DNA in hotel rooms.

ASHTON KUTCHER
~ He will no longer get so depressed on DEMI'S birthday.

DEMI MOORE
~ She'll finally admit to Ashton that HE'S been Punk'd...she's really 50!

COURTNEY LOVE
~ She'll try to be a better mom if she's high.
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The USSR Prime Secretary ordered the soviet scientists to build a telescope he could use to watch the Americans. So they built and it was beautiful. When Brejnev came to test it, he looked thru it and saw a big city with lots of skyscrapers.

He said, "Is this the New York? Where's that building they call Empire State?"

The scientists pushed some buttons and the Empire State building came to be seen.

"What are those large photos on that building?" asked Brejnev.

The scientists pushed more buttons, and the large photos that came into focus turned out to be those of Marx, Engels and Lenin; the grandfathers of communism.

"Hey, what happened to the Americans?
Are they crazy, showing large photos of our Communist Fathers on their streets? Show me what the text below says."

More buttons pushed revealed the text below the photos: "Don't grow beards like these! Use Gillette!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a Good one.
Chuck ...... and the Computer

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