TODAY'S JOKES 1-31-03
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REMINDERS:
Groundhog Day Sun, Feb 02 - 2 days
NFL-Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 02 - 2 days
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 17 days
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JOKES:
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Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said.
"My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
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A nervous attendant on a flight announced:
"I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
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WOMAN TO HUSBAND AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE:
"It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring.
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One of my co-workers comes back to work with a piece of pizza he couldn't finish. He asked my boss if she wanted it. She took it from him and said you didn't spit or sneeze on it or anything did you? He looked at the customer she was waiting on, shook his head and said isn't that just like a woman, they get the pizza for free and expect extra toppings. Everyone in the line started cracking up.
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The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing,"
the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."
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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,"
answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help.
What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
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SIGNS THAT YOU'RE OVER THE HILL ...
You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
It takes a couple of tries to walk over a speed bump.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
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Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
"How about it?" he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped, "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
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Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint,"
he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim, replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks, he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him, "Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?"
"No," replies the boy. "He beats me."
The social worker says, "Do you want to live with your mother?"
The boy says, "No, she beats me too."
"Well, then," asks the social worker, "Who do you want to live with?"
The boy answers, "The Oakland Raiders."
The social worker is taken aback. "The Raiders? Why do you want to live with the Oakland Raiders?"
"Because," replies the boy, "They don't beat anybody."
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My son is an avid listener to our city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time. One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say, "Car 34, there is a six-foot boa constrictor in a front yard. The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it." There was a long pause, then some static.
Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."
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"Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, long lines and call them "convenience stores."
-- Yakov Smirnoff
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Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
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My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck .........and the Computer
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