TODAY'S JOKES 1-30-03
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REMINDERS:
Groundhog Day Sun, Feb 02 - 3 days
NFL-Pro Bowl Sun, Feb 02 - 3 days
Presidents' Day - Mon, Feb 17 - 18 days
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JOKES:
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Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking...
you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff "Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
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I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause - hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability - returned.
At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"
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Three nuns were standing on a corner one evening collecting for the cause. Across the street there happened to be the local whore house.
They happened to notice that Pastor Jones of the Protestant community sneaking into the place and one of the nuns whispered to the others, "If only his flock knew he was going into a wicked place to commit sin...they would be outraged!"
A bit later, Rabbi Rabinowitz was seen sneaking in and the nun said to her sisters, "If only the Jewish community knew their Rabbi was in there committing sin with wicked women, they would be outraged!"
A little while later, Father Flannigan was observed by them sneaking into the same whore house. "Oh dear,"
exclaimed the nun, "someone must be very sick in there for them to call the dear Father out at this late hour."
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The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle.
After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.
The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.
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In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"
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Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was successful.
"Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else", a local told him.
"Is the service that good?" asked the visitor.
"No, not really." said the local.
"Does he have the best price?"
"About the same as everybody else."
"Then the gas must be better."
"No, it's just regular gas."
"Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?"
"Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco Nagurski can get it back off."
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."
"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend.
"She was looking for the perfect man," the gentleman answered.
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A man ran into his ex-wife at a restaurant in New York. Being a sophisticated person, he said to her, "Would you be interested in making love ONE more time, for old times' sake?"
She said "Over MY dead body."
And he said, "Why not? That's the way we always USED to do it."
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The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
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The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service, a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "That's what they said the last time too . . . "
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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right,"
she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter *this*
church!" he insists.
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John calls Jill from work and says he will be home by
5 PM and hopes that dinner will be on the table when he gets there.
He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a package of pasta, jar of sauce, and can of vegetables on the kitchen table.
"Jill, I specifically called you from work to let you know when I would be home. Where is my dinner?"
"Dinner IS on the table, John. It's just not prepared."
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Bill took Jim to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant.
They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring, Jim unfolded it, put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"
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Research has been being conducted on the world's first contraceptive patch for women. The patch is approximately three inches in diameter and reads, "Get Off Me."
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If the reason for climbing Mount Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
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Mary: My ex used to complain all the time because I never liked giving blow jobs.
Jill: Yeah, all men want that.
Mary: He stopped questioning me when I asked him, "Tell the truth; if you could reach it, would YOU suck it?"
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Fly Free: A Texas travel agency is offering a nude flight from Miami to Mexico in May. If you're a guy, don't get an aisle seat. It's bad enough when the beverage cart bumps your elbow.
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I read a report that researchers in China have figured out that
270 million people there -- about a quarter of the population -- share just three different last names.
China: Tennessee of the Far East.
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I read a report that researchers in China have figured out that
270 million people there -- about a quarter of the population -- share just three different last names.
China: Tennessee of the Far East.
What's the difference between a poodle and a pit bull humping a leg..........the pit bull finishes.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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