REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 4 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 5 days

Valentine's Day Sat, Feb 14 - 17 days

Daytona 500 Mon, Feb 15 - 18 days

Presidents' Day Mon, Feb 16 - 19 days
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JOKES:
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This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied, "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful."
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I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue.

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life.
I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."

The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"

"Yes I do," she replied.

"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
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My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
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Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
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Ponderings & curiosities

The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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One day, Little Johnny's teacher told him that his homework was unsatisfactory and he was to do it again.
Little Johnny said to the teacher, "That sucks!!!"

Upon hearing this reply, the teacher called Johnny's mother and told her that she was going to have her son do his homework over, and, she was giving him some additional work because Johnny used unacceptable language.

Little Johnny's mother replied, "Boy, that sucks, what did he say?"
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Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.

My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss me?" I asked.

"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
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Our church was planning a chili supper for the homeless, and my wife, Florence, agreed to prepare four gallons of her rather mild variation. The man in charge of organizing the program asked Florence how she would describe her chili -- three alarm or four alarm.

After hearing some of the ingredients that went into other chili donations, my wife replied, "I guess you'd call mine false alarm."
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At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler.

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it:
"To My One And Only Love". That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
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First thing this morning I had an appointment with local advertiser. I waited in his parking lot for
15 minutes and decided that I had been stood up. I was writing a little note suggesting that we reschedule when a car pulled up. It was the gentleman that I was supposed to meet with.

He was out of breath and said, "I've locked myself out of my house, can you wait 10 minutes for me to get back?" I kind of laughed. The poor guy had locked himself and his puppy out. He had sweet talked a neighbor lady into driving him up to his office and then to his wife's office to pick up the key. How could I not wait for the guy? I giggled to myself and stayed busy in the car making phone calls.

When he got back, I gathered my work notes, my cell phone and my purse and locked myself out of my car.
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A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."
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We wouldn't mind this "pay-as-you-go"
tax so much if we knew what we were paying for and where it was going.
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A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, 'Fore!' His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, 'Four Fifty!'
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A ten year old boy was walking home with a girl in his class when he said, "Pammy, you're the first girl I have ever loved."

Pammy responded, "Great, that's all I need is another beginner."
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"I've been married for forty-three years, and it ain't easy. By way of comparison, forty-three years is longer than most murderers spend in jail"
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Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it.
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An attempt to auction off the state of West Virginia drew 56 bids and nearly enough promised dollars to fill the state's projected budget hole before eBay learned of the joke.

By Tuesday evening, with five days to go in the sale of item number
2372779353, "Entire State of West Virginia," bidders had bumped the ante up to just $1 short of $100 million.

"As an eBay consumer myself....that's a heck of a bargain!" joked Amy Shuler Goodwin, spokeswoman for Governor Bob Wise, who's projecting a $120 million deficit for fiscal year 2005.

The seller, identified only as "fishstuffnthings." did not immediately respond to e-mails late Tuesday.

Nor did "nosnam1488", who was the high bidder. Within seconds. the auction was unplugged and the state was "no longer available."
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Real headlines you might have missed

-- "Beavers Respect, but Don't Fear, Trojans" (Portland Oregonian)
-- "Outhouse Expert Studies Passing Trend" (AP)
-- "Traffic Chaos as Hearse Ejects Corpse" (Reuters)
-- "Mightily Relieved Female Duck Blamed for House Splattering"
(AFP)
-- "Man with Machete Cons Way into Home" (Boston Herald)
-- "Dracula Park to Suck in Vampire Tourists" (Reuters)
-- "Backfire Ignites Dog, Dog Sets Grass Fire" (AP)
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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