REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 11 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 12 days

Valentine's Day Sat, Feb 14 - 24 days

Daytona 500 Mon, Feb 16 - 26 days

Presidents' Day Mon, Feb 16 - 26 days
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JOKES:
..........
Bill says, I have great sex with my wife.
She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most*
of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!' "Man, you lucky dog! Says his one buddy.
But *come on* and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?"

"The only problem I have..." Bill said dejectedly, "Is when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"
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Mary: You know the belief about marriage is that you always have someone who will have sex with you?

Jill: Yeah. What about it?

Mary: It's a myth!
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FUNNY THOUGHTS

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
(Erma Bombeck)
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A woman is feeling poorly and sends a telegram to her husband on a business trip to come home as soon as possible, "NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. COME HOME."

Imagine the husband's surprise when he received, "NOT GETTING ANY. BETTER COME HOME."
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The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."
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A man and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3:00 AM. As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentlemen step up and ask him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.

"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down."

The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"

"Gee, I was having the best performance of my life as that earthquake was happening."

"Is that right?" "And what did your wife think about it?"

The man said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"
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As a mail carrier in Montana, I was attempting to deliver a certified letter when I heard a dog barking furiously on the other side of a front door. I stepped way from the door as the homeowner appeared, and asked that the dog be kept inside. It was too late.

The little dog started yelping and jumping on me. I froze. As the customer signed for his letter, he kept saying, "Don't worry, he won't bite you."

Just then the dog turned and bit its owner.
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A hasidic girl working in B&H Customer Service walks into the men's lunchroom and asks, "Who's the f**king manager?" Eyes rolled in disbelief.

Only after repeating her question a few times to the shocked audience, a man asked her slowly, "What's the problem?"

She says, "There's an angry customer requesting that he wants to speak to the f**king manager, I told him that we have a shipping manager, a sales manager but I never heard of a f**king manager... "
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Every writer has received rejection slips; too many of them for most. This may be the "mother of all rejection slips," translated from a Chinese economic journal.

It goes like this:

"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity."
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The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments,tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate.
"Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."
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"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television."
(Erma Bombeck)
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The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage counselor.

"Isn't there some way -without turning into a nag- that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Young lady," he said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
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Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires.

Blam! Blam!

"All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"

Blam! Blam!

"That's right!" he growls. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the women!"

A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr.
James, I think you've got it backwards."

Suddenly a high pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"
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Mexico City - A burglar who broke into the house of 350-pound Maria Teresina-Lorca has filed suit against the queen-size home owner -- because she whooped his butt, then sat on him until cops arrived.

Miguel Pintado, 42, charges in his lawsuit that the 35-year-old mother of three "used excessive force"
when she pinned him to the floor and that he suffered a fractured a rib as well as "serious emotional trauma" during the half-hour wait for the police.

"Being smothered under the flabby buttocks of that big woman for so long was a horrible experience," says short, wiry Pintado, who has 19 previous convictions for burglary.
He is asking for the equivalent of $300,000 in damages.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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