REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 12 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 13 days

Valentine's Day Sat, Feb 14 - 25 days

Daytona 500 Mon, Feb 16 - 27 days

Presidents' Day Mon, Feb 16 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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Sunday dinner with my mother Louise, my father Fred, and my three siblings were always lively. On one occasion all of us, except my mother were in a silly mood and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table. "Please pass the meat, Pete."

"May I have a peas, Louise?"

"I'd give you the moon for a spoon."

After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough. "Stop this nonsense now!" she shouted. "It's Sunday, and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some good conversation, and not all this chatter."

Then she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and snapped, "Please pass the bread, Fred."

She was not amused when we all burst out laughing.
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The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive.

Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened.

"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."

A voice from the line spoke for all of us:
"Wear it in good health."
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An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Douglas was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Douglas replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Douglas responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Douglas stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
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An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a checkup.
He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night... always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."
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The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion"
casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.

The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this: It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.

It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hilary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for t he 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.

It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!! Damn our military is GREAT!!!!
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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in .. . what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, Terry Thomas.)
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My son wanted to take his two-year-old daughter to the zoo, so I hurriedly dialed the number to find out when it opened. After several rings, a female voice, barely audible above the excited chattering of children, answered, "Hello."

"Is this the Memphis Zoo?" I asked.

There was a pause and then a small chuckle. "Not the one you're looking for!" she said as she hung up.
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It was different when we were kids.


In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
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Jessica goes to the drug store to buy her new husband some toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband Joe, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Jessica, it's for his underarms."
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As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer

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