REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 16 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 17 days
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JOKES:
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Things to Ponder...

"When nobody around you seems to measure up, it's time to check your yardstick.” -Bill Lemley

“My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life.’” -Jim Fox

A friend is one who sees through you and still enjoys the view.
~Wilma Askinas

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong

On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women. -H.L. Mencken
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Don't let ol'folks tell you about the good ol' days.
I was there. Where was they at?

Jackie "Moms" Mabley
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DUMB WAYS TO DIE

Friends of a coworkers wanted to do something special for his fiftieth birthday, so they threw him a party and hired an exotic dancer to pop out of a cake. The birthday boy got the shock of his life when the naked cake dancer turned out to be his daughter. He dropped dead from a heart attack.
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FAILING TO FORGIVE

A former inmate of a Nazi concentration camp was visiting a friend who had shared the ordeal with him.
"Have you forgiven the Nazis?" he asked his friend.

"Yes."

"Well, I haven't! I'm still consumed with hatred for them!"

"In that case," said his friend gently, "They still have you prisoner."

-- Ernest Kurtz and Katharine Kitcham "Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." -- Unknown
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I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.

I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything.

By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her:
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me:
"Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
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Seen on a Bumper Sticker:


"You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant."
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As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret.
They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
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Soon after her son landed a job as a DJ at a top-rated radio station, a mother was asked, "How is it having a son who's a popular radio personality?" "It's wonderful," the mother replied with glee, "For the first time in his life I can turn him off whenever I please."
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A judge in Maine has ruled that women, but not men, can jog naked in public, for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans.

Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is committed only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public. The judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore cannot be exposed.

How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for running nude?

They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting police officer. He was asked whether he saw their genitals during the incident. "Not that I recall," he replied.

Case closed.
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While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet.

She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."

But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help.

I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"

"Underwear?" she replied.
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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.

So far, the Universe is winning.
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When our son asked about two look-alike classmates at school, we told him they were probably twins.

The next day, he came home from school all bubbly and said, "Guess what! They are not only twins....they're brothers!!"
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Bill was just settling in to a barber's chair when he overheard the elderly man next to him say, "I"m not much for pills, but I'm taking Ginkgo-Viagra. I want to remember what sex was like."
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Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."
Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
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A little boy watched with interest the efforts of a golfer in the bunker trying to get himself out. At last, the ball rose in a cloud of sand, then dropped on the green and rolled into the hole. "Gosh" said the boy, "he'll have a tough time getting out of that one."
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Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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I just wanted to state how proud I am about being personally responsible for stopping at least 80 chain emails in their tracks during 2003. The branches died at my in box. They may have been around the world to hundreds or even thousands of people, but when they reached me, they f*cking died.
Often they died with malice as I clicked the delete button with more truculence and impetus than necessary.

The price I have had to pay for this selfless behavior has been high. I have countless decades of bad luck before me. I have forfeited untold events of good luck. I have deferred receiving payments from Bill Gates. General Mills hasn't sent me money. I have been forced to lie awake sleepless with guilt because when given my choice to now delete, or forward the warm and fuzzy missive, I chose to delete it. Yes, I hope all of you appreciate how I have done my part. I can but hope that others will do the same.
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That's the jokes for today and for this week.
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ......and the Computer

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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