REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 18 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 19 days
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JOKES:
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My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled, "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work.
It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all--it was Mrs. Del Campo!"

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
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Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walks a young woman with a low cut blouse that revealed a rose tattooed on one breast.

One lady leaned over to the other and said, "She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll be wearing a long stemmed rose in a hanging basket."
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I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old... I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus.
Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
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For our flight to the Far East, my wife and I checked in at the Korean Air counter at Los Angeles International Airport. As the smiling Korean woman processed our tickets, my wife asked, "Are they good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."
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One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty- three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."
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A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?"

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I wasn't."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . .
"With whom?
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While filming a movie in New Mexico, Robert Redford was taking a break from the heat at an ice cream parlor. A woman, a huge fan of Redford's, noticed him, but was determined to keep her cool.
She nonchalantly left the shop, pretending to not even notice him.
When she got outside, she realized she didn't have the ice cream cone she was sure she had paid for. She went back in and confronted the cashier. Overhearing the conversation, Robert Redford said, "Madam, you'll probably find it where you put it, in your purse."
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Why is it a wife can buy her husband a lawn mower for Christmas, but if he buys her a vacuum cleaner, it's a death sentence?
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NEW YEAR - DAD'S RESOLUTION

Last year when I called my parents to wish them a happy New Year, my dad answered the phone. "Well, Dad, what's your New Year's resolution?" I asked him. "To make your mother as happy as I can all year," he answered proudly.

Then mom got on, and I said, "What's your resolution, Mom?" "To see that your dad keeps his New Year's resolution."
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No matter how smart you think you are, a four-year old knows better. When my son was four, he was telling me about his friend, who has five brothers and sisters. "Is your friend the oldest in the family?" I asked him. "No," my son explained, "his dad and mom are the oldest."
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Today's useless fact - How many geese are in a gaggle?

The word "gaggle" simply means a group of something. It does not denote any specific amount. "Herd" is a good example of a similar type of word. We say a herd of cows. The herd could be 20 cows or
2,000 cows. Either way, it's still a herd of cows.
It seems that almost every bird and animal has a word to denote a "group" of them. Here are a few examples:
Army of frogs Bale of turtles Band of coyotes Bevy of quail Bouquet of pheasants Cast of hawks Charm of finches Clowder of cats Colony of penguins Company of plovers Crash of rhinos Descent of woodpeckers Dole of doves Down of hares Dray of squirrels Drift of hogs Float of crocodiles Gang of elks Kettle of hawks (no, not a "kettle of fish")
Kine of cows Labor of moles Leap of leopards Murder of crows Peep of chickens Shrewdness of apes Sleuth of bears Wedge of swans If a goose gets sick or wounded while in flight, two other geese drop out of the flying formation and escort the stricken goose to protect it. They stay with it until it either dies or is able to fly again.

Although geese are very social animals among their own kind, they have a tendency to bite people.

When migrating, a snow goose flies at speeds up to 50 mph and will travel almost 3,000 miles at an altitude of almost 3,000 feet.

Geese mate for life and grieve at the loss of a mate.
The most widespread goose in North America is the Canadian goose. Unlike most birds, the family stays together after the breeding season.

Small birds sometimes hitchhike on the backs of flying Canadian geese.
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A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar.

In walks an elephant (told you it was silly)
who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.

"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognize the song?"

"No, no," says the elephant " I recognize the white keys."
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Q: Why is marriage is like a violin?


A: After all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
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My husband and I were discussing our
5-year-old daughter Rosie and at one point I described her as "contrary."
Rosie spoke up:
"I know what contrary means!"
Curious, I asked her what "contrary"
meant.
"I'm NOT going to tell you!"
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Every night, my wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it!"
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Jill, on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her.

"Where are you going?" asks Jill.

"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."

Later, Jill's husband picks her up at the airport. "How was the flight?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says Jill. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."

"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"

"He didn't have any testicles."

"What?!" says the husband. "And just how did you learn *that*?"

"Because," says Jill, "he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."
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"Are you and Larry serious?" the one girl asked her friend while they were talking over cocktails.

"We're still a little short of a meeting of the minds." she replied. "I want a big, old-fashioned June wedding, and he wants a quickie in the back seat."
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Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed...
unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear' ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Libya gave up its weapons of mass destruction Friday, according to Moammar Khadhafi in Tripoli. He's always good for a laugh.

The decision was made by Libya's three-man ruling council, which consists of Moammar and his two brothers Larry-mar and Curly-mar.
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There goes another tax deduction:


Accountant to cat: "You can't count your litter box as a business deduction just because you do your "business" there."
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Daily Affirmations for Pessimists

Don't try beating 'em or joining 'em.
Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so - me either.
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"My husband says, 'Roseanne, don't you think we ought to talk about our sexual problems?' Like I'm gonna turn off Wheel of Fortune for that." -- Roseanne Barr
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD One!
Chuck .......and the Computer

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