REMINDERS:

NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 19 days

Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 20 days
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JOKES:
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Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.

Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.

"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer!"
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My grandfather came to America to gain freedom, but it didn't last long.

My grandmother come over on the very next boat.
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"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes damn close." --Mark Twain
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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife,"
the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
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FOR A ROTTEN KID: Buy the kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included."

Bad things happen to bad people too. But we don't care as much.
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
.and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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Today's useless fact:
Where did the term "You've been 86'ed"
come from?

Many years ago, Chumley's Restaurant, at 86 Bedford Street in New York City, had a custom of throwing rowdy customers out the back door. Eventually, restaurant workers started using "86'ed" as a synonym for something being thrown out.

The term soon became part of the colorful "hash house" or "lunch house" jargon adopted by the brash and often sassy waitresses and countermen who worked in diners in the 1930s, 1940s, and early 1950s.

In those years it was a common practice for a waitress to call out the order to the cook. For more efficient ordering, the waitresses created a shorthand method of giving orders. The jargon they developed used just a few very descriptive words to make sure the cook understood the order.

For example, if you ordered two poached eggs on toast and a glass of milk, the waitress would yell out to the cook, "Adam and Eve on a raft and moo juice." If you ordered a toasted English muffin with coffee, the waitress might yell, "Burn the British and Joe."

Although the colorful language of the diners died out many years ago, a few words have remained in use today, such as, O.J.
(orange juice), stack (pancakes), BLT (bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich), mayo (mayonnaise), and the various ways of cooking eggs such as over easy or sunny side up.

Years back it was fun to eat at the lunch counter and try to figure out what the waitress was saying.
It's rare to hear this colorful slang today but you may still hear it in some of the old lunch counters in the smaller, older cities of the United States.
There are also a few diners that use nostalgia as their theme and thus use the old hash house lingo.

Here are just a few examples of hash house lingo:
Axle grease: butter

Blowout patches: pancakes

Bowwow, barks, or groundhog: hot dog

Baled hay: shredded wheat Bessie: roast beef

Bessie in a bowl: stew

Cackleberries: eggs

Rabbit food: salad

Sinkers: doughnuts

Sweep the kitchen: hash

Whiskey: rye bread (derived from rye whiskey)

Yummy: sugar
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A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four Fifty!"
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A report says high school students aren't very good with American History. Its pretty shameful. On a recent test, a majority of seniors thought Lincoln's Gettysburg address ended with "@yahoo.com...?"
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There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another "
| " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! Damn! You beat me by three."
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SEX STATISTICS

DIFFERENT PHASES OF COUPLES' SEX LIFE:
Age 20 - Day and Night Age 25 - Every Night Age 35 - Fri Night Age 45 - Once a month Age 55 - Only feelings WHAT MEN DO AFTER SEX?
2% eat
3% smoke cigarettes
4% take a shower
5% go to sleep
86% get up and go back home to their wife.

25 USELESS THINGS IN A MAN:
20 nails
2 nipples that don't milk
2 balls that you cannot play with.
1 cock that does not lay eggs.

SEX DURING PREGNANCY:
The 1st three months, do it the normal style.
Next three months do it the doggy style.
The last three months do it the wolf style:
....sit outside the hole and howl.
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A local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .....and the Computer

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