REMINDERS:
NFL - Super Bowl Sun, Feb 01 - 20 days
Groundhog Day Mon, Feb 02 - 21 days
**********************
JOKES:
..........
A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting
t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front- 60 is not old.
On the back- If you're a tree.
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring....I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at
your funeral.
In God we trust. All others we polygraph.
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Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a
bullet on you.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have
misjudged the situation.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
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"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a
wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what
happened!" he shouted.
"While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us
for five years.
Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the
sandwiches."
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You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and
forth, back and forth.
However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention
what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called
101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager
say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult
conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to
cut up his steak!
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17 Truths
1. Men are like slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
think, "Well, that's not going to happen".
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one
talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean pack so you're just on
two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second
you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about
a woman are their eyes.
And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch
of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird
and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
13. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what
the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable; there is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
17. You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,
compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people
are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv,
if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear,
electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me
one?"
Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back?
Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those
Mercedes, top- of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah,
I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says,
"Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all
the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of
them to me?"
Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding,
you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for
all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same
with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other
one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had
two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
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"With girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on
the corner. A girl walked by.
I said 'Are you Louise?' She said, 'Are you Rodney?' I said, 'Yeah.' She said,
'I'm not Louise.'" --Rodney Dangerfield
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Some family acts are hard to follow.
When Maria Taft, daughter of William Howard Taft III was a shy schoolgirl, she
was asked by her teacher to write a brief family history. After much
consideration she wrote her report. It read: "My great-grandfather was president
of the United States. My grandfather was senator from Ohio. My father is
ambassador to Ireland. I am a Brownie."
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My neighbor, in an effort get in better shape, decided to eat healthier
breakfasts, and declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.
The other day he told me after eating his first bowl, "I hope I develop a taste
for the stuff. It goes down real rough."
I asked him, "How long did you cook it?"
Looking surprised he blurted out, "You mean you're supposed to cook it?"
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It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance
at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
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The Olympic Games in Atlanta were tough to get tickets to. Three locals struck
upon a scheme to sneak in pretending to be athletes.
The first grabbed a long pipe off his plumber's van and entered, telling the
security officer: 'Johnson, pole vault.' The second grabbed a hub cap out of his
truck, and ran past the guard shouting: 'Billy Joe Anderson, discus.' The last
got a large roll of barbed wire from his truck, but was stopped at the gate when
he said: 'Smith
-- fencing.'
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Today's useless fact - Is it true that eagles mate in midair and sometimes die
when they fall to the ground during the act?
It is true that eagles will occasionally lock talons and plummet earthward, and
some books on the subject have described this as part of their courtship dance.
But love's got nothing to do with it. Says Montana State University eagle
authority Al Harmata:
"When one eagle swoops down a thousand feet, grabs another's talons, and then
they try to knock each other out of the sky, that's not courting. That's
fighting."
In fact, eagles can't mate on the wing, because the male, like the male of most
bird species, doesn't have a penis.
Instead, both male and female eagles come outfitted with more discreet forms of
reproductive plumbing known as "cloacae", which make avian mating more like a
carefully aligned kiss. It's tough enough for impassioned eagles to get all
their ducts in a row without lift, yaw, and air turbulence.
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RECIPE FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR
Take twelve whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate, and
jealousy.
Make them just as fresh and clean as possible. Now cut each month into
twenty-eight, thirty, or thirty-one different parts, but don't make up the whole
batch at once.
Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients. Mix well into each day
one part of faith, one part of patience, one part of courage, and one part of
work.
Add to each day one part of hope, faithfulness, generosity, and kindness. Blend
with one part prayer, one part meditation, and one good deed.
Season the whole with a dash of good spirits, a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of
play, and a cup full of good humor.
Pour all of this into a vessel of love. Cook thoroughly over radiant joy,
garnish with a smile, and serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness.
You're bound to have a Happy New Year!
Author Unknown
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Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease Q. If I drink milk from an infected
cow, will it harm me?
A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesn't bither me a bot.
I am the same today as I was tomorrow.
Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat?
A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?
Q. What can you do with infected cattle?
Killing them seems so inhumane.
A. Well I have 6 in my backyard and they think they are a herd of geese.
Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada?
A. Let's listen to the cows and see..... Eh Mooo eh moo, eh meow Q. Are there
any infected cows in Quebec?
A. Again let's listen.... Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow Q. Can this disease be
sexually transmitted?
A. Buddy if you ask this question, switch to sheep.
Q. How can you detect Mad cow disease in a bull?
A. He would be the one wearing high heels.
So a guy and his wife arrive from a business trip and goes to his favorite
steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.
The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp."
The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well."
The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?"
The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself"
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I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I
hate.
- George Burns
**************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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