TODAY'S JOKES 12-9-02
*********************
REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 13 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 15 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 16 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 22 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation.
He started out by saying, 'I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.' The children nodded eagerly.
'This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)...' No hands went up. 'And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)...' The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. 'And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)...' Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. 'Well...,' said the boy, 'I *know* the answer must be Jesus...but is sure sounds like a squirrel to me!'
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye.
A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"
"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."
Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's a shortening.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
I never really knew my Grandfather, but if he was anything like my dad he was a kick in the pants. My Grandfather was about 94 years old, born and raised in Las Vegas, New Mexico, and spoke broken English because most people of his day in the area spoke Spanish.
As the story goes he was trying to sell a horse he had for many years to make ends meet,when one day a guy drove asking about the horse. How much the guy asked, my grandfather said fifty dollars senor. The guy asked why so cheap! He's a great horse. My grandfather told him, Well he's old, and him no look so good. The guy insists on buying the horse saying that the horse looked great , and it did for an old farm horse.
The first day he went riding while trying to jump a small fence, the horse tumbled over it and broke 2 legs and had to be shot.
The new owner of the horse was pissed the vet at the scene told him the horse was blind. Can you imagine that buying a blind horse! The next day my grandfather got a visit from this guy pissed off not about fifty bucks, about not telling him the horse was blind. My grandfather told him, But senor, I told you him no look so good!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Clinton - Nixon Differences"
Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President was a geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on a Ho Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A girl ( blonde ) had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".
Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go. Well one day Jim broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."
Jim just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
V"Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?"
the boss asked the new coder.
"Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting,"
she responded.
"It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up...
Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home."
"Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
CEO: I will give you as many people you need. But I definitely want the project delivered in 3 months.
Software Project Manager: I will give you 9 women, give me a baby in one month.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus.
1.You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2.There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3.You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.
4.One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5.There'd be no reason to have your colors done.
6.Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7.Should people suggest your belly jiggled like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8.You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9.There'd be no need to play office politics;a hearty 'Ho! Ho!
Ho!',would remind everyone who's boss.
10.You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11.No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12.Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13.No more trips to the vending machine...
you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14.You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15.Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16.You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17.Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18.You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19.No one would ask to see your job description.
20.Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute
-- a white guy, a black guy, and a Jew. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the white man came back out, his friends asked, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the white man.
The black guy went in and returned with a fee of $95.
The first two men were quite proud of their prowess.
The Jewish man went in and then returned, "How much did she charge you?" asked the first two.
"20 dollars," replied the Jew proudly.
The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey you guys," replied the Jew, "I'm not so stupid,... I paid on the way out!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
YOU JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You win the most fingers and toes contest at your local bar.
You read this and say "Yeah, so.....what's your point?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He wants sex regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even reading or writing e-mail.
I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd funothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl isnt';dk~0................
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A blonde lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people gathered around him.
Screaming, "I know first aid!" she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all his tight clothing and got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.
At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Do you mind? I am trying to arrest this man."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The apprentice electrician was on his first job.
"Take hold of those two wires, Jim," said his boss, "and rub them together."
Jim did as he was told, and his boss said, "Do you feel anything?"
"No," said Jim.
"That's good - so don't touch those other two wires, they must be the live ones!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
My sister and her finance' got a new Brittany Spaniel puppy a week ago. The thing is so darn cute I just wanted to put it in my pocket and take it home with me.
They had a hard time determining what they were going to call it. They thought about Taylor, Rex, Pipp, but none of them really stuck out. That's when I suggested naming the little ankle biter 'Spears', which they surprisingly agreed upon.
Now when they introduce the dog to people they can say, "And this here is my Brittany, Spears."
*****************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ......and the Computer
------------
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html