REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 15 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 18 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 19 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 20 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 25 days
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JOKES:
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Hansi, our parakeet, quickly became a valued and affectionate member of the family. I thought it would be great if he could say his name, so I repeated time and again, "Hansi," as he perched on my shoulder or finger. But as the weeks passed by, I became exceedingly frustrated when my "What’s your name?" remained unanswered.

Then, one evening as I was sitting at my desk, our feathered friend perched opposite me, spread his wings and demanded, "What’s your name, dammit?"
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When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio.

If all the stations are rock and roll, there's a good chance the transmission is shot.
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My father-in-law and I went grocery shopping at the local food mart. As we proceeded down the aisle, a woman with whom he was acquainted inquired about some work she needed to the rear bumper of her car. My father-in-law, a mechanic and known in those parts as Mr. Fix-it, said he'd drop by and have a look at it.

As we were leaving he spied the woman across the crowded parking lot. "Hold on a second, dear," he yelled to her as she was getting into her car. "I want to look at your rear end."
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A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway on-ramp.

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.
Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, fellow! The sign says 'Yield,' not 'surrender!'"
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A reform rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox rabbi.

He asked him, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?"

The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous sense of humor) replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give long sermons and I can't have them sleeping together."
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DIETING ONE-LINERS

There are two things you should never eat before breakfast: lunch and dinner.

Food wisdom: Relish today, Ketchup tomorrow.

When you're at table, it's not the minutes that make you fat, it's the seconds.

Is a diet wishful shrinking?

Seen on a tee-shirt: "Instant Human. Just add coffee."

You can't lose weight by talking about it. You have to keep your mouth shut.
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The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news: I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning. Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.

"Why?" asked the chairman.

"Because," I said, "our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP."
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Dear Son:


Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we have been married.
We are a little better off now, because we have so much money now we don't know what to do with it.

Paw gets $47.15 every Thursday, so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house. We sent to Sears & Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people having in houses.

It took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing they call a sink where you wash your face and hands.

But over in the corner we really got something.
This thing, you put one foot in, wash it clean, then you pull the chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it for a frame for grandfather's picture.

Sears &Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of paper with the outfit.
We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to wrap Paw's lunch.

Take care of yourself. MAW
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If we don't get some money in our bank account soon, we'll be arrested for impersonating the government.
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Armed with a songbook of TV and movie tunes, I set out to teach myself to play the acoustic guitar. A few months passed, and I was quite pleased with my progress -- until the day my wife walked into the room while I was practicing.
With a puzzled look on her face, she asked me the name of the song I was playing. Surprised that she didn’t recognize it, I replied, "‘Mission:
Impossible.’"

"I’m beginning to realize that," she said, "but what’s the name of the song?"
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When our son Sean was in college, he applied for a part-time job with the Internal Revenue Service. After six weeks of training, however, only a full-time position was open, so he left.

Sean received no W-2 form for his work at the IRS. He requested that the agency send the form so he could file his tax return. Come April there was still no reply, so Sean had to estimate his taxes. By midsummer, Sean *finally* received a letter from the IRS! It noted....

"We have been unable to locate your employer."
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My parents were on their way to meet my aunt and uncle to celebrate their mutual 32nd anniversaries. They were late, and Dad was speeding, trying to make up the time. Inevitably they were pulled over by the State Police, and Mom suggested Dad tell the Officer why they were speeding. Dad said no cop would be interested, but undeterred, Mom regaled the Officer with the story.

Stone-faced, the Officer continued writing out the ticket, then handed it to Dad and left. They glanced at it and saw it was only a warning, on the back of which was written: "Happy Anniversary. Have a safe trip."
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Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. When a young adult is between the ages of twelve and seventeen, for example, a parent ages as much as twenty years.
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My husband and I were discussing people's eating habits. A devout meat-and-potatoes man, he listened as I described a co-worker who was a vegetarian.

"Could you imagine never having a steak again," I asked him, "and living on food like tofu, fruit, vegetables, and salad?"

"That stuff isn't food," he snorted. "That's what food eats!"
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That's the jokes for today...
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer

 

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