TODAY'S JOKES 12-5-02
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REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 17 Days

Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 19 Days

Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 20 days

New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 26 days
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JOKES:
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A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"No!" exploded the teacher. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How on earth did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall, and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says...'I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!'"
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Baffling Viagra Study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
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When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says, "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
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What did you get for Christmas?
A harmonica. It's the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My Mom gives me a dollar a week not to play it.
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When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
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Here's Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's.
Imagine Jackie Mason's voice as you read you will just laugh yourself to hysteria!!

You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50.
Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?

Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty-million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream:
"Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee."

You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon?
It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it.

But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're
27 and keep drinking coffee until you're
98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?"

Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00.

And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say,"Oh, it's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....."
The bean is in your head.

And there are no chairs in those Starbucks.
Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two.
Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.

It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much!

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks?

Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312.

And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is.
"Oh, you want butter?
It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here.
Sugar? Sugar is here."

Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips."

You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then there's a sign that says please clean up when you're finished.

They don't give you a waiter or a busboy.
Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks.
"Oh, he's got dirt too?
Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of
60 cents for coffee I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.
Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.

Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, %$#%^&". And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.
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Some people REALLY love Christmas.
Me, I love Thanksgiving. Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!
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Don't worry if your job is small, And your rewards are few.
Remember that the mighty oak, Was once a nut like you.
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Mary had a little bear, To which she was so kind, And everywhere that Mary went, She had a bear behind.
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What Women Can Get Away With

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.
When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our...
womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.
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SALMON MOUSSE

A housewife was having several couples over for dinner that night, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours that afternoon and finally created a masterpiece.
Salmon mousse.

Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table.
She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway.

Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds.
Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window.

There, next to the house, lay her cat.
Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead.

The entire dinner party rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed--mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests.

Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you had a dinner party in progress....So I just put her on your lawn."
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Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations, you pass."
said the Rabbi
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It is forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. A guy is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."

"Sorry," says the guy, "I'm flat broke this week."

"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."

"But," says the guy, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."

"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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