TODAY'S JOKES 12-4-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 18 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 20 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 21 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 27 days
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JOKES:
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PAYING THE BILL
It was after 3 a.m. in the fancy restaurant, and all the guests but one had gone home. The last guest was sleeping at his table.
The cleaning lady, irritated that she was delayed in doing her job, turned to the restaurant owner.
"I've seen you shake the old fool and wake him up five times," she said. "Why don't you make him go home?"
"Nothing doing," answered the owner cheerfully.
"Every time I wake him up, he asks for his bill and pays it!"
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Black November
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know; His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of... Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, "And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin; "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head; "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink; "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked; I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes; I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death; And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap; She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."
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"How did you like my last song?" asked the dance hall singer, as she approached a seated cowboy.
"Well, ma'am," he said. "I hope it was."
"Was What?", asked the singer.
"Yer last song."
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Prior to our getting married, my future bride and I, had to go to a marriage consultation with the preacher who was to marry us. One of the many questions he asked was," Any prior marriages?" I answered,"Yes, two." He then asked me,"
And how did they end?" To which I replied,"The first one died of breast cancer at forty-five years of age, and the second one died of cancer of the lymph nodes at age forty five." He said,"OK", then turned to my future bride, looked her square in the eye and asked,"Are you sure you want to marry this man?"
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A new book is due to be released soon. It's the poignant story of
a scientist who tried to cram too many chromosomes in a too-tiny
test tube. It's titled: "Tight-fitting Genes."
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Truck driver is barreling down the freeway and sees a sign that warns of a low bridge ahead. Before he realizes it he is upon the bridge and becomes firmly stuck under it.
Cars back up for miles.
Finally a local police cars arrives. The cop gets out and with hands on hips surveys the situation. "Got stuck, huh" he says to the truck driver. The truck driver looks at the cop and with a straight face says, "Naw, I was delivering the bridge and ran out of gas."
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An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey.
Where'd you get them?"
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At the retreat, Jill and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Jill wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And John wrote: 'I love sex.'
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A rabbit and a tortoise were shooting the breeze one day.
Tortoise to Rabbit: "What was your life like when you were growing up?"
Rabbit to Tortoise: "Oh, things were pretty normal for me. I was a happy little bunny. What was YOUR childhood like?"
Tortoise to Rabbit: "To be honest with you, I wasn't very happy when I was growing up. My formative years were a long string of failures, one right after the other."
Rabbit to Tortoise: "Well, Good Heavens! What on earth could have gone so horribly wrong for you?!"
The Tortoise shuffled his feet in the sand, heaved a sigh, and with a forlorn look on his face, said: "I kept trying to run away from home."
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"That's it!" said the exasperated golfer to this insolent young caddie. "I've had enough of your lip. When we get back to the clubhouse, I'm going to report you directly to the caddie master."
"Ooooooo, I'm so worried," responded the little brat.
"You'd better worry," said the golfer.
"And why should I worry," said the kid. "At the rate you play, by the time we get back, it'll be time for me to retire."
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Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy.
Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice.
Let me tell you what they're like."
"Okay," said his buddy.
"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob.
Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels."
"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."
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Q: What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A: A six-pack and a potato.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer
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