REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 19 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 21 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 22 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 23 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 28 days
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JOKES:
.......
This letter to the bank below is said to be an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Whether it's true or not, it sounds like a good idea!

Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
20 overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and- blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1.To make an appointment to see me.

2.To query a missing payment.

3.To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4.To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5.To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6.To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7.To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 thru 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client
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WHEN MY WIFE and I sent our bills to Medicare, we accidentally enclosed a veterinary bill for our dog, Duster.

Medicare returned the vet's statement to us, with this note: "Sorry, Duster, You're barking up the wrong tree."
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Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with Dad saying, "I know a shortcut."
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PLAYFUL PLATES

These are actual license plates found on cars throughout our country....Only in America!!!

ICNCYDU- I see inside you.........a radiologist's plate HANGMHI Hang 'em high............on a local Superior Court judge's Jaguar. This judge is known for being very no-nonsense YURNEXT On the car of an undertaker
1DURFOAL Wonderful...........on a Ford Mustang.Foal as in baby horse GGR OOM On a horse grooming company car CME4AD8 See me for a date......had to be a young fella, right??

NOT OJS On a white Ford Bronco, seen in Virginia KPASAMD Que Pasa MD.............What's up Doc?

WUF WUF On a brown Rover
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"What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

--Erma Bombeck
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"Honey, will you still love me when my hair is grey?" asks the wife.

"Of course. I've loved you through blonde, brunette, red and every other color. Why not grey?"
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You know you're getting old when the Hotel leaves a Viagra on your pillow ... instead of a mint.
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I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed loudly.... that must he her checking out now."
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This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh the man says: "Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!"

The man making fun replies "I'd like to see that!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easily picks it up.

"That's nothing!"

"But there's more, now the spider will pick up a table." And the spider easily picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!" And the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!

The men, a little impressed ask "What else can it do??"

So the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!"

Thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar until there 30 guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination.
Suddenly, a man walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it. "You bunch of pansies, scared of a little spider!"
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Back in the Cold War days, Ivan was a diplomat and spy. He was new to the USA and lived in Washington, D.C. for past six months. He soon complained to Boris, his aide, that he needed a woman.

Boris dropped off a high-priced hooker at his door the following Saturday night. Ivan plied her with some vodka and caviar. As she took her top, he noticed that her armpits were shaved.
He said, pointing top his own pits, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She responded, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our underarms."

They drank more vodka and ate more caviar.
She removed her slacks. He noticed that her legs are shaved also. He repeated, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

Once more, she said, "It's customary and fashionable to shave our legs."

After more vodka and caviar, he pulled down her panties and saw that her privates were trimmed. He exclaimed again, "Vomen in the old country have wool - they have wool!"

She then asked in loud voice, "Look buddy, did you want to screw or knit?"
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Liza Minnelli's longtime bodyguard, M'Hammed Soumayah, is suing the singer for harassment, claiming she forced him to have sex with her.

But now that Soumayah has forced us all to imagine Minnelli having sex, millions of Americans are considering suing him for harassment.
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Like many cello players, I sometimes get an odd buzz on one of the strings. A rubber cylinder helps damp the troublesome tone.

One of these was mixed in with my pocket change, which I had pulled out while at the coffee machine. "What's that?" asked the woman standing next to me.

Without thinking, I explained, "If you put it on your G-string, you won't hear any wolf notes."
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Our new puppy sleeps between my husband and me at night. One morning I mentioned to my husband that I noticed he wasn’t snoring anymore. "Of course not," he replied. "Every time I start to snore, the dog bites me on the nose!"
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My mother, who did not have a driver’s licence, was a passenger- seat driver and would always "brake" in tandem with my father.

One afternoon while we were out driving, Dad slammed on the brakes in the middle of the road, when there were no other cars to be seen.
He immediately turned to Mom and demanded, "Why did you do that?"

She replied that she was merely stretching her leg.

"Don’t do that again!" he fumed. "I thought you’d seen something I missed!"
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The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child, we moved into a new community.
Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the door one day collecting for charity as well as looking for more canvassers. I told her to ask me again next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try another time.

Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came instead in February, canvassing for another charity and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked at my bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here, you’re pregnant!’ "I know," I agreed, laughing. "Please don’t come again."
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That's the jokes for today and for this week...
Have a GREAT weekend!!!
Chuck ....... and the Computer

 

C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS

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