REMINDERS:

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 0 days
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JOKES:
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Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.
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The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper.


It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
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James Gordon Bennett, a fussy editor at the New York Herald, had some strange newspaper rules. For example, he insisted that all his reporters use the word "night" instead of "evening" "night is a more exact term."

Bennett was shown the error of his ways when a reporter filed a story about a party with a description of a society woman who "looked ravishing in a pink silk night gown."
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The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate- clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
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When talk show host Jay Leno was in fifth grade, his teacher wrote the following on his report card: "If Jay spent as much time studying, as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star."
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My wife was on the phone getting directions to a client’s home in a nearby town. She didn’t recognize the street name or any of the landmarks the client mentioned. But then my wife was inspired: "Give me directions from the nearest mall," she suggested.
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A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with.

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"

Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
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True webheads use "signatures" -- zippy little one-line sayings that are automatically attached to the bottom of email messages.
Here are some of the best:

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
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Besides stocking shelves and packing groceries, I’m responsible for keeping the shopping carts arranged neatly at the entrance of the store where I work. One day I went outside to collect the abandoned carts and as I was pushing a bunch up a fairly steep incline, my hat flew off, revealing my 50-something gray hair. Not wanting to lose ground, I kept pushing. Soon a van pulled up beside me, and an elderly man leaned out the window. "Now don’t you wish you’d stayed in school, son?"
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When asked if he'd trade places with his father for the day, five-year-old Darren said, "My Daddy wouldn't like going to school because all the girls would chase him at recess."
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During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas.

So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
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I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
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A woman who believed in natural childbirth was having abnormal contractions and went to see her doctor. "Doc, I'm feeling these abnormal contractions."

The doctor listened and said, "My dear lady, you're going to have triplets!"

Confused, the woman asked, "How can you tell?"

The doctor responded, "I hear 'No, you go first!' 'No, you go first!" 'No, you go first!'
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Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn't come out.

"That's ok," she said as she took her camera back. "I always get double prints."
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Quotations from women about women.......


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Everytime I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out.
The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
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That's the jokes for today, this week, and this year!
Have a GREAT holiday and a GREAT weekend!!!!!
Chuck ......... and the Computer
 

 

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