REMINDERS:

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 2 days
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JOKES:
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Customer Service Sign: Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
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Scientists have just crossed a termite with a praying mantis. Now they have a termite that says grace before it eats you house.
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Things We Hope Our Children Never Discover

The eyes in the back of our heads are only
20/40.

We can't wait until you're old enough to move out, too.

Doing chores has no effect whatsoever on building character.

When we were your age, we watched just as much TV... maybe more!

The Tooth Fairy is funded by the American Dental Association.

All those tee-ball games, dance recitals, school plays, band concerts, spelling bees and graduation exercises? We napped through 'em all.

Starving orphans in Ethiopia hate asparagus, too.

When we were kids, school was really just down the block.
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After Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle was arrested for soliciting a prostitute over the weekend - he paid $40 for oral sex - the team terminated his contract; a contract that had $19 million left on it.

So, essentially, he paid $19,000,040.00 for oral sex.

I hope it was good.
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Retailers are noticing a drop-off in sales since a strong post- Thanksgiving weekend.

Experts say consumers will return to the mall just as soon as they save up enough money to fill their cars with gas.
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"Here's a winter travel tip if you are traveling during the holidays: Book your flight later in the day - that way, you give the airport security people a chance to warm up their hands on other people."

Jay Leno
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Strange facts:


The double popsicle-stick was introduced during the Depression, so two people could share it.

Danny DeVito once studied to be a hairdresser.

Human DNA and jellyfish DNA are 80 percent identical.

The comic book character Aquaman's partner was Aqualad.

If you live in the U.S. and went out in your back yard and dug through the center of the Earth, you would not come up in China, but in the Indian Ocean, somewhere near Australia.

Oil from the ground is actually dark green, not black.

Opossums do not play dead. They actually faint.

Uncle Sam did not have a beard until the beginning of the Civil War or so.
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This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:

Teacher: Who can tell me what animal this is?

Johnny: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra.

Teacher:: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant.

Teacher: Class, who can tell me what animal this is?

Jane: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk.
Is it an elephant?

Teacher: Very good, Jane.

They come to the baboon cage.

Teacher: who can tell me what animal this is?

No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.

Teacher: OK. Billy, would you like to try?

Billy: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face...
must be a truck driver.
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As a Dominican nun, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope.

One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my usual Dominican habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up. After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.

It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind.

The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me, Mrs. Hall," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"
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NBC said that after she gets out prison, Martha Stewart will star in a new show where she will interact with guests in the studio audience.

Experts say the show may not do so well because women who like to get verbally abused while they learn new recipes usually just go to visit their mothers-in-law.
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COAST GUARD CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through each state, Coast Guard families were starting to celebrate. Just then from the White House came an urgent call, A crisis had arisen that would affect one and all.

In fact the U.S. State Department was frantic, For Santa Claus had just landed in the Atlantic! It Was foggy as ever; Rudolph had made a blunder. Santa, sleigh, and eight reindeer were going under.

Though the stockings were hung by the chimneys with care. Poor Santa gurgled, "I'll never get there." When what to his wondering eye should appear; But some coast guard cutters with their rescue gear!

The officers and crew were so lively and quick; Sure was a lucky break for good ole Saint Nick.
With a nod from the captain. they went right to work. Rudolph was embarrassed, he felt like a jerk.

Poor Santa was soggy, but as anyone could see, He was very grateful to the U.S.C.G! And we heard him exclaim as they towed him from sight, "If it weren't for age and weight, I'd enlist Tonight!"

~Unknown
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The "Kinsey" Report Statistics:


* Men have 1,600 hours of sex in their lifetimes
1,610 if you count with their partners.

* The best cure for a headache is sex. Day Two of filming, a crew member announced:
"Yesterday I called my doc and said, 'I've got a headache.' He told me, 'Take two bimbos and call me in the morning.'"

* Difference between erotic and kinky. Erotic is twice a week. Kinky is three times during a commercial break. Erotic is Champagne and chateaubriand. Kinky is a bottle of Bud and takeout from Denny's.

So this guy who sat still for the report said: "The other night my wife met me at the front door stark naked. What a shock! She was just coming home."

Kinsey discovered that, after a few years, couples don't communicate. One man, after seeing this in the movie, was heard saying:
"That's ridiculous. And I've sent my wife an e-mail telling her so."

Kinsey was smart. One respondent asked him for job-hunting tips. He replied: "If the application asks you to fill in the line 'Sex,' answer, 'Male' or 'Female.' Do not write in, 'Your place or mine?' "

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how do my wife and I know when we've reached complete sexual compatibility?" Answer: "When you both achieve simultaneous migraines."

Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how can you tell if your wife is frigid?" Answer: "If a light goes on when she opens her mouth.
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Oh Little Bank Americard (sung to the tune "Oh Little Town Of Bethlehem")

Oh, little Bank Americard You bring me Christmas Cheer Without your clout, I have no doubt No gifts I'd give this year.

Your credit line allows me to run up bills quite large And when I'm through exhausting you, I'll use my Master Charge.

(Same tune, sung in late February)

Oh, little Bank Americard, you bring me discontent I calculate your interest rate is over twelve percent.

Each month, your cry for payments, my letter-box bombards; I'm one more sap, caught in your trap. Next year I'll just send cards.
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

 

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