REMINDERS:

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 3 days
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JOKES:
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Ah, Christmas! Time to buy a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two couples went out golfing together. The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.

The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process. No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
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About 30 years ago, Jimmy Launce, formerly a disc jockey at WJR radio in Detroit, collected more than 300 of 'I could have been ...' puns from listeners. Some of them follow:

* I could have been a big wheel, but I never spoke up.

* I could have been a cardiologist, but my heart just wasn't in it.

* I could have been a brewer, but I didn't have the head for it.

* I could have been a Buddy, but I couldn't Hacket.

* I could have been a candle maker, but I didn't know wick end was up.

* I could have been a geometry teacher, but I hung around in the wrong circles.

* I could have been a bridge builder, but I had fallen arches.

* I could have been an elevator operator, but I kept getting the shaft.

* I could have been a fairy tale author, but I was too Grimm.

* I could have been a Director of the Hallelujah Chorus, but I couldn't Handel it.

* I could have been a psychiatrist, but I was a freud.

* I could have been a thief, but I couldn't take it.
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One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.

"Would monsieur care for another drink?"
asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up.
Why don't you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the other. Then, with Gallic logic, he added, "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."
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TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~
WOMAN'S VIEW Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin. I've been here for hours; I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered; I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!" He looks all around and with total regret, Says "What's taking so long, aren't you through in here yet??"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.

Lord, don't get me wrong; I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
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A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month later, when Mrs.
Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
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Ever have someone too tall sit down in front of you at a movie theater? Suddenly, you realize you're too short to watch a movie. You're pretty sure it's a lousy movie, but you can't tell because you're missing half of it slipping from side to side.

Here's the solution: Before anyone goes into the theater, we all line up by height, smallest to tallest, just like we did for class pictures in grade school. All the really tall people end up in the last row, so everyone else can watch the movie in peace. Plus, you may come out of the theater with a better date than you went it with.
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"It’s the day after Thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of the year. I went to the mall and I was pushed, I was shoved, I was groped, I was fondled - hell, I’m going back tomorrow."
-David Letterman
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Since Santa knows if we've been bad or good, here are some...what shall we say?..."inventive holiday ways" to call someone a nit wit, & still not upset Santa. . .

- A couple of shingles short of a full roof.

- A few pies short of a holiday.

- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

- All wax and no wick.

- Batteries not included.

- Bright as Alaska in December.

- Chimney's clogged.

- Got his brains as a stocking filler.

- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
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TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?


CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?
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During the noontime recreational activities the president of the corporation mounted the platform, accompanied by an overall-clad man off the assembly line, and made this speech:

"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see how American industry rewards those who are conscientious and hard-working. This man standing beside me has been with the company less than a year, during which time his unusual qualities have earned him salary increases in excess of one hundred dollars a week. I have watched him closely, observed with great pleasure the manner in which he has pitched in and gotten things done. Therefore, I am pleased to announce that starting this very afternoon he gets out of his work clothes, comes into the executive branch, and takes over an office with the title of Executive Vice President in Charge of Policy at an annual wage of eighty thousand dollars. Congratulations!"

The workman shook the extended hand and said, "Gee, thanks, Dad."
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The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
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Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children's sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, "May I have all of the children?"

As the children walked forward, several parents responded "yes."

One quick-witted father said, "for how long?"
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At some stage in our lives, each and every one of us has come across a gingerbread man. But a gingerbread woman? Not so. This is not because gingerbread men are Politically Incorrect -- merely the fact that they know they have no need for a female of the species. They know that the son always rises in the yeast.
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TOP TEN REASONS SANTA'S ASKING FOR A RAISE
10. The hours, the weather, the trend toward smaller chimneys.

9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.

8. Reindeer and elves have unionized, driving up his cost.

7. New tax on flying sleighs.

6. Insurance for flying a sleigh has tripled over the past two years.

5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.

4. Air traffic controllers demanding higher kickbacks.

3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.

2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.

1. The Mrs. told him to.
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"A Dieter's Christmas"


'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear: A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS A Weight Watcher dropout form sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer
 

 

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