TODAY'S JOKES 12-26-02
*********************
REMINDERS:
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 6 days
****************
JOKES:
..........
A minister of a city church enjoyed a few drinks, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed. However, his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
The next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister stepped into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.
Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he'd found inside the dryer. He didn't know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job.
"I have the other parts," the clerk said, "but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife's bra."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
When my husband and I decided to rent a car and drive to Oregon to visit family, we discovered that many rental agreements come with restrictions.
After several calls, I wearily asked a sweet young agent if her company had any restrictions on taking its rental cars out of state.
After a bewildered pause, she replied, "Well...you have to bring it back."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
One year at Christmas a Mother went to her daughter's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible her daughter was, Mom decided to play a trick. She told her daughter that she needed something from the store and sent her for it. While she was gone, the Mother took the turkey out of the oven, unstuffed it, restuffed it with a Cornish game hen, put stuffing back over the top of it, and put it back in the oven.
When it came time for dinner, the daughter pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out this little bird!
With a look of total shock on her face, the Mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you killed a pregnant bird!!!!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, Patricia started to cry.
It took her Mother two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Actual Classified Ads
In a Los Angeles daily:
"Wanted: man to work on nuclear fissionable isotope molecular reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic photosynthesizers.
No experience necessary."
In the Southern Illinois University student newspaper:
"Sweet old lady wishes to correspond with S.I.U. undergraduate.
Prefers six-foot male with brown eyes answering to initials J.D.B.
Signed, His Mother."
From a Miami Beach weekly:
" Having trouble with your husband coming home late or not at all?
Let us make a confidential investigation for you.
Special discount if your husband is a senior citizen.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The featured guest on a local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described what her clients could expect, the program's telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.
Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.
Doctor: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about
10 inches too short.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion,"
laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
CHRISTMAS PLAY
The teacher was casting kids in her class for the annual Christmas play. She was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so the teacher said, "Brian, you can be a Villager."
He said, "OK," and ran over to his classmates. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
On his eightieth birthday party, the famous writer gave a small speech, he started "At such an age actually, a man has a lot of advantages"
he paused.
The pause lasted for a while, then he added "Well I am just trying to remember what they are!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"A Canadian agency is reporting that the number of obese Canadians is rising rapidly. Those Canadians--always trying to copy us.... But the good news for Canadians: 280 pounds Canadian is only 180 pounds American."
(Jay Leno)
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.
She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.
"It's not a Christmas tree." he said. "It's a cartridge in a pear tree."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Troy, NY: What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke. It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute.
There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Shopping at Christmas Time Probably the worst thing about being Jewish at Christmas time is shopping in stores, because the lines are so long.
They should have a Jewish express line:
"Look, I'm a Jew, it's not a gift. It's just paper towels."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party.
Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."
The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice.
The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
The young man said to his sweetheart, "We're going to have a great time tonight. I have three theater tickets."
The young girl said, "Why do we need three tickets?"
"They're for your father, mother, and kid sister!"
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.
"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.
"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of both femurs and pelvis. "What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree. "I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Acme Tree Experts."
Gazing intently at the X rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'experts.'"
**********************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck .......and the Computer------------
|
|
C. S. ROLLASON WHOLESALERS
Like to make money from your kitchen table?
Check out our helpful sites below.... we also supply
help for established home operated businesses...
http://www.homebucks.com
http://www.future-world.com/10246.htm
The Best-Kept Secrets Revealed!
http://hop.clickbank.net/hop.cgi?crollason/aboutcom
Need Labels??? Check out my label site at:
http://chuck.clickprint.com
95 %, The highest Network Payout in the history of MLM. $95 out of
$100!
$50.00 fast start bonus on every sale you make, including the first
one!
Check: it out at:
http://www.goupp.com/power95/ch795
"How To Create Automatic Money Machines On The Internet" - Full 7
Letter Series - Free!
Visit Our Site To Sign Up Now:
http://www.thewarriorgroup.com/cgi-bin/a.pl?warriors&4053
Check out my Daily Journal (here’s what I’m doing.)
http://www.homebucks.com/chucks/daily.html