TODAY'S JOKES 12-20-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 2 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 4 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 5 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 11 days
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JOKES:
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Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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For Sale
For Sale: 9 reindeer. Reindeer are all male and range in age from 5-13 years. Vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight.
Lead deer has nasal condition, which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy.
One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all.
Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Praying For Gifts
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,.....
"I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises.
White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and the one on the top was the *perfect*
pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
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A Nun's Story A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. "She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. "She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic. "The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK my son, I'm on my way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
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Today Asian Joke
Spielberg and a Pinoy A Pinoy went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol. After a couple of beers, the Pinoy sensed that Spielberg was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Pinoy crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "Wat da hell is dat por?"
Spielberg ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"Tang Na! I am not Jafanese, you stufid Nincomfoof! I am Filipino!" exclaimed the Pinoy.
The inebriated director replied, "Yeah yeah yeah ....Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipino ...you are all the same."
Regaining his composure, the Pinoy dusted off his white pants, straightened the collar of his loud bird-of-paradise printed shirt, took his seat and ordered a double R&B from the bartender. After a few sips, the Pinoy stood up and delivered his best Jackie Chan karate kick, sending the director flying halfway across the room.
"What was that for?!!" shouted the surprised Spielberg from about fifteen feet away.
"Dat's por da sinking of da TITANIC! I had my grandpader on dat shif!" the Pinoy answered back.
"You ignorant Chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" exclaimed the director.
"Yah yah yah...Iceberg, Sfielberg, Carlsberg... you are all the same."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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A New Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them.
The child was crying and begging for some special treat.
He wants some candy or gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply.
"No!" she said, looking in her direction.
"You may not have a baby sister today.
That lady got the last one!"
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The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
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A taxpayer received a "second notice" that his tax payment was overdue. The next day he went to City Hall, made out a check and apologized for overlooking the first notice.
"I'll tell you a little secret," said the tax collector with a smile.
"We don't send out first notices. We've found that second notices are much more effective."
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An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"
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The husband got out of bed and went into the living room to answer the phone. His wife could hear him say, "Hello?"
Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Sure is." again.
He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.
A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.
The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who it was. The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say? He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."
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One day I dashed to the elevator swinging my arms. As I entered, I swung my hand around and accidentally cupped a male co-worker's crotch.
"Next time," he said, "why don't you take me out for dinner and a movie first?"
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That's the jokes for today and for this week!.
Have a GREAT Weekend!!!
Chuck ........and the Computer------------
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