REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 21 - 20 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 23 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 24 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 25 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 30 days
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JOKES:
.......
Forth Worth's interim school superintendent James M. Bailey, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems.

He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."

Suddenly there was a cry from assistant superintendent Joe Ross. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's my number!"
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All marriages are happy ... it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
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Imagine shopping at Wal-Mart, only to be handed a jury summons at the check-out counter. That's what happened to 55 people in Shelby, N.C., when a state court ran out of prospective jurors.

Sheriff's deputies were given two hours to find the needed jurors, so some shoppers had only
30 minutes to change plans and get to the courthouse. "When not enough jurors are here,"
explained a deputy, "We try to get them any way possible. You go to the place most people gather."
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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered.
"We've got all the umpires."
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BLOOMINGTON, Ind. - Remembering the motto, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk," a man shot out two tires on his buddy's car to keep him from driving intoxicated.

The move backfired when his angered friend got out of his car, pulled a knife and attacked him.
Police arrested the driver, David Woodward, on a charge of battery after the fight Sunday morning.

Woodward had been staying with friends and had gone out drinking with them Saturday night.
After telling them he wanted to drive home, one of the friends tried to take Woodward's keys but snatched the wrong ones. Woodward got in his car and attempted to back out of the driveway, when his friend retrieved a 9-mm handgun and shot out the left-side tires.
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+-- Bizarre Celebrity Quotes --+

"My boyfriend calls me 'Princess,' but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retarded.'" -Alicia Silverstone

"I didn't even know my bra size until I made a movie." -Angelina Jolie

"My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it." -Arnold Schwarzenegger

"This time I'm going to be the bride. She got me these pink panties with a big bow on them."
-Billy Bob Thornton

"I would rather have a cup of tea than sex." -Boy George

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all."
-Mike Tyson

"I pick my nose and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
If there's a bogey then just pick it, man." -Justin Timberlake

"Wal-mart...do they like make walls there?"
-Paris Hilton

"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." -Cameron Diaz

"My child was not only carried by me, but by the universe." -Celine Dion

"I'm like a monk with a taste for hookers." -Moby

"I won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista

"I think the longer I look good, the better gay men feel." -Cher

"I believe all drunks go to heaven, because they've been put through hell on Earth." -Liza Minnelli

"I would like to see the Pope wearing my T-shirt." -Madonna

"I'm thinking about naming my first son Emmy so I can say I've got one." -Noah Wyle
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We had our ten-year-old daughter, Jackie, late in life, long after our two boys were born. She is the joy of my husband's life, but he is self-conscious about being an older father. He likes to jokingly tell people that by the time she graduates from high school, he'll be in a nursing home.

One day Jackie asked, "Mom, you know how Dad always says he'll be in a home when I graduate?"

I nodded, expecting some sad question about mortality.

She continued.... "Well, can I have the car then?"
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A recruit in Navy boot camp got on the wrong side of his Company Commander and was ordered to do push-ups. As the recruit neared triple digits, an airliner flew overhead.

"I bet you wish you were on that plane, don'tcha?" sneered the Company Commander.

"No, sir," said the unlucky recruit.

"Why wouldn't you want to be on that plane?"

"Because," the recruit grunted between grueling push-ups, "that plane's landing. I want to be on one that's leaving."
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One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "

My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.
*************************************
That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ..... and the Computer

 

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