TODAY'S JOKES 12-19-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 3 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 5 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 6 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 12 days
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JOKES:
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Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
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When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid $75 by check as usual.
A couple of weeks later, I came home from work to find my wife quite upset.
She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry.
She had noticed the canceled check and, on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."
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A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean right before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer.
"They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
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One night about 10 p.m., a man answered the phone and heard, 'Dad, we want to stay out late. Is that okay?' 'Sure,' he answered, 'as long as you called.' When he hung up, his wife asked who was on the phone. ' One of the boys,'he replied. 'I gave them permission to stay out late.' ' Not our boys,' said his wife. ' They are both downstairs in the basement.
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In a stationery store, I quickly picked out a card for my wife for our anniversary. The clerk was surprised by how little time it took me, and she began relating a story about another customer who spent a half-hour searching for the right anniversary greeting.
Noticing the man lingering over one card after another, the clerk went to see if she could help. "Is there a problem?" she asked.
"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. "I can't find one my wife will believe."
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One summer, in almost all store and restaurant windows in Alexandria, Egypt--large signs were posted prohibiting the entry of people with bare feet. There was, however, a noticeable exception. A small shop off the main street boldly displayed the message 'Bare feet welcome.' The shop-----The local sandal maker.
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Which stretches farther, a rubber band or skin?
Well according to the Bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked several miles into the dessert, so I'd say skin does.
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For you people who don't think I have a PHD. in filossafee and sycology read how I figgered why fire trucks are red.......
Everyone knows that fire engines have 4 wheels and 8 men. 4 and 8 make 12. There are twelve inches in a foot.
A foot is a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth, a ruler, is the name of one of the largest ships on the seas. Seas have fish and fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians and Russians are red... and fire trucks are always rushin' therefore, fire trucks are red.
Now shut up.
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A fortune teller, looking at a woman's palm said, "I see you have only one child." The woman told her that she had three. So, the fortune teller said, "Oh let me see your other hand then."
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Christmas Riddles Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Christmas bell.
Doctor: Take these pills and if they don't work, give me a ring.
Patient: Doctor, I'm scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You're suffering from Claus-trophobia.
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A group of young boys went camping. The following conversation was overheard by a passerby:
There's a rock under my sleeping bag.
That is nothing. I am trying to sleep on a root.
I wish I was home in my soft bed.
Yeah! me too.
I am cold and thirsty. Let's go home.
Are you crazy? if we go home now our parents will never let us have this much fun again!!
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It seems like back in biblical times, according to the bible, a lot of people sat on their asses and rode everywhere, not much different than nowadays.
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The novice life guard, to his buddy, after a long first day in the job: "There had been quite a friendly bunch there today, waving to me all day".
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Twas the night before Xmas and all thru the house, I was stumbling around, as drunk as a louse.
here I am all alone, and oh so very sad, boozing it up, in my fine bachelor pad.
I had just settled down, on my over stuffed couch, complaining and moaning, and being a grouch.
When suddenly outside, there arose such a clatter, I staggered to the window, to see what was the matter.
And what to my bleary, bloodshot eyes appears, a car load of ladies, very close to tears.
I crawl to the door and and I fling it wide, then get on my feet, and stumble out side.
I greet them all, and ask what is wrong, they say they are stuck, and need someone strong.
I stagger to the back, and say give it some gas, while my feet slip out and I fall on my a**.
Covered in grim, and soaked from head to toe, into my house, I invited them all to go.
I heard them exclaim, as I begged them to stay, "You're to darn drunk, but Merry Xmas anyway".
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?"
asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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We were taking six children on a camping trip. I drove the lead car with our gear, and my husband followed in the station wagon. At a tollbooth, I realized that we hadn't divided the cash supply, and my husband didn't have any money. I paid a double toll, explaining to the woman attendant, "I'm paying for the car behind me. He has all those children and no money."
Without cracking a smile, she replied, "Good! Keep him that way."
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The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again.
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"
"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."
"What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman.
"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GREAT day!
Chuck .... and the Computer------------
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