TODAY'S JOKES 12-18-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 4 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 6 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 7 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 13 days
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JOKES:
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When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her
4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
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A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey thats a nice tie".
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?".
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I simply love your jacket".
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?"
the guy asks nervously.
"Voices Sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
"Yeah,watch this" says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice.
"Man are you smart or what."
"Oh, that", says the bartender, "its the nuts."
"The nuts?", asks the guy.
"Yes" says the bartender, "they're complimentary."
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Goofy
Mickey Mouse woke up one morning and looked out his window. Someone had urinated in the snow, "Mickey sucks."
Mickey is furious. He calls the police and demands an investigation. After a DNA test, the detective visits Mickey's home. "Well, Mickey, I am afraid I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we found out who did it. It was Goofy. The bad news is, it was in Minnie's handwriting."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Funny Celebrity Quotes
"Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships." Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." Steve Jobs (Founder:
Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon- master." Rev. Jesse Jackson "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of- a-bitch." Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
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"Your conscience never stops you from doing
anything. It just stops you from enjoying it."
- Anonymous
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After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On their next date, Carl returned to the country road.
As they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the Car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."
On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
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Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded.
"I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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Winning Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . .
. to people who are out standing in their field."
(Contributed by "Chuck's Daily" reader, John Gross)
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Making an effort to help a "lonely" child
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, and then said, "Okay,"
looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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Bus Driver
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the male bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up.
When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the computer------------
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