REMINDERS:

Winter Solstice - Tue, Dec 20 - 4 days

Christmas Eve - Fri, Dec 24 - 7 days

Christmas Day - Sat, Dec 25 - 8 days

Boxing Day - Sun, Dec 26 - 9 days

New Year's Eve - Fri, 31 - 14 days
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JOKES:
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One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained.
"The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."
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Many years ago my brother and I had Greek land turtles for pets and they lived on our balcony, had a huge house shaped resting and nesting area on one end and a fairly good sized runway, stretching the length of the den and the living room, about 80 feet long and 8 feet wide.

My brother and I hated tomatoes, but my turtle, Susie, loved them dearly. So, whenever we saw tomatoes being sliced for a salad we found a way to smuggle Susie under the corner bench at the kitchen table and surreptitiously fed her the offending slices of tomatoes and not a soul among the adults caught on.

One hot summer day, turtle ensconced under the bench, Mom served the salad. She wore sandals that day, and she had painted her toe nails bright red... Susie saw the 'tomato' at the end of the table, took one chomp, and ouch!

There was Mom, shooting into the air like a rocket and proceeding with a one footed war dance, as poor Susie swung around on the end of Mom's big toe... Dad laughed so hard, he fell off the chair and Mom screamed holy murder, salad and silverware flying every which way, my brother and I managed to rescue the turtle and put the poor thing back outside.

Dad looked at Mom's toe, which was not really looking too bad for the wear, but Sam and I were grounded for a week. It ended the area of the turtle in the kitchen.

I now live in Alaska with my husband and fellow photographer, Phil, two sled dogs and no turtles.
Mom and Dad are both gone. My brother and his family make their home in Munich, Germany, but it is memories like these, which keeps the family together. Happy holidays and hang on to your moms and dads, they cannot be replaced.
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Tammy was waiting with the cart, browsing in the small appliances aisle, while Doug gathered a few last-minute items. When Doug returned, Tammy was facing the opposite direction, so Doug silently approached and gave her a playful pat on the fanny.

Without turning around she said, "That had better be my husband. But if it's not, I shop here every Tuesday."
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The old time pastor was galloping down the road, rushing to get to church on time. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, the pastor called out, "All you saints in Heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to Heaven, "All right, just half of you this time!"
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Many men say women cannot be trusted too far.

Many women, on the other hand, say men cannot be trusted too close.
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Eat Chocolate For That Cough

LONDON (Reuters) - An ingredient in chocolate could be used to stop persistent coughs and lead to more effective medicines, researchers said on Monday.

The study found that theobromine, found in cocoa, was nearly a third more effective in stopping persistent coughs than codeine, currently considered the best cough medicine.
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When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome, West."

Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.

All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."

"West, not West?" asked the confused man.

Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."

"Ah," said the proprietor and walked away with our teapot.
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An employment interviewer for a big company in New York was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job. Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.

"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."
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When my son joined the Marines Corps, his cousin was already an Army officer. The two were home on leave at the same time, and had a wonderful time exchanging stories. But after hearing one Marine joke too many, my son finally chastised his cousin with: "Man, haven't you learned what ARMY stands for?"

"No, what?"

"Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet."
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Exhausted after 14 hours working on our farm, all I wanted was a bath and my bed. My husband, David, promised we’d go home as soon as we drove over to the granary and got it ready for the morning. When we got there, he got out of the truck and said, "Roll the window down and back up." Seconds later he came around the side of the truck, laughing, and knocked on the window. "What did I say to do?"
he asked.

"Roll the window down and back up," I repeated.
"It made no sense, but I did it anyway." Then it dawned on me: It was the truck I was supposed to "back up."
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I've been to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to filled out. She wrote down my personal information and then asked me what it was that I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it...?"

"A Fottle"

"What else do you have, she asked...?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it...?"

"A Farton."

She snickered saying, "Those are silly names for products and one of them even sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
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Maxine's Take on Life

Remember Maxine, the grumpy old cartoon woman from Hallmark cards? She was always in her bathrobe and slipper sipping a cup of coffee.
Here's her take on the world.

1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."

2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."

3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."

7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ...... and the Computer
 

 

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