TODAY'S JOKES 12-17-02
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REMINDERS:
Winter Solstice Sun, Dec 22 - 5 Days
Christmas Eve Tue, Dec 24 - 7 Days
Christmas Day Wed, Dec 25 - 8 days
New Year's Eve Tue, Dec 31 - 14 days
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JOKES:
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Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
"Oh, $2,000 a week."
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession.
Where does he practice?"
"Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
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John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was, ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
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The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
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A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
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A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis."
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A parent decreed one Christmas that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed.
"What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
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A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking young man in his mid-twenties, and the other a gorgeous brunette about the same age. The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to lie to you. This ferocious lion ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment:
a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to audition first?"
The woman said, " I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion started to snarl but then got one look at her beauty and started acting like a pussycat. He sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her. Finally he rested his head at her feet.
The flabbergasted circus owner marveled, "I've never seen anything like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked. "Can you top that?"
The young man replied. "Absolutely. Just get that lion out of the way".
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I was teaching my 6-year-old granddaughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.
She asked, "Do I click the square?"
I said, "Yes."
She asked me, "Single click or double click?"
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Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man.
From now on, no more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about your declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford cigarettes."
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Women top 5 lies:
5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
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That's the jokes for today.
Have a GOOD one!
Chuck ........and the Computer------------
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